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Nowadays many students live with their families while others go to another city to study at a university. Discuss advantages and disadvantages of both scenarios. v.1

Nowadays many students live with their families while others go to another city to study at a university. Discuss advantages and disadvantages of both scenarios. v. 1
At the present time, only a few children are staying in their home during their studies, whereas more pupil are moving to various cities for their education. This seems to have more benefits, but it also has negative sides. This essay illustrates the positive and negative sides of both living near to and far from families. Firstly let us discuss about the students who live with their families. There is no doubt that those children who lives with families get the complete care from their parents. In spite of their busy schedule, parents find time to spend with their children, they can make regular visits to school and keep a track on the child's academics. However, since these children are totally dependent on their families, they do not have a clear vision and their exposure to the world is minimal. In other words, these children grow up to be an introvert. On the other hand, students who go to other cities for their higher studies can explore a lot and they try to socialize with new people. With their experience, they can develop their own skills and think in all aspects. For example, in the recent days, an exorbitant number of students are moving to European countries to continue their higher studies, among which 75 percent of the students are doing part time jobs. This not only helps to develop their skills, but also teach them the value of money in the young age. Nevertheless, those students lack parental care and they may turn into an undisciplined kid in the absence of parents. To conclude, although it is safe for students to stay with parents, we should accept the fact that a better education lies in gaining knowledge by exploring from various sources. So I believe that the benefits of studying outside of one's own city outweigh the drawbacks.
At the present time,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are staying in their home during their studies, whereas more pupil are moving to various cities for their education. This seems to have more benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
sides. This essay illustrates the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
sides of both living near to and far from families.

Firstly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their families. There is no doubt that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
Did you mean "live"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'children' should be used.
lives
with families
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the complete care from their parents.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
their busy schedule, parents find time to spend with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
regular visits to school and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
on the child's academics.
However
, since these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
totally
dependent on their families, they do not have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
vision and their exposure to the world is minimal.
In other words
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
grow up to be an introvert.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who go to other cities for their higher studies can explore a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lot and
they try to socialize with new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. With their experience, they can develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
in all aspects.
For example
, in the recent days, an exorbitant number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are moving to European countries to continue their higher studies, among which 75 percent of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are doing
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
jobs. This not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
teach them the value of money in the young age.
Nevertheless
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
lack parental
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
care and
they may turn into an undisciplined kid in the absence of parents.

To conclude
, although it is safe for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to stay with parents, we should accept the fact that a better education lies in gaining knowledge by exploring from various sources.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I believe that the benefits of studying outside of one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
city outweigh the drawbacks.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Nowadays many students live with their families while others go to another city to study at a university. Discuss advantages and disadvantages of both scenarios. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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