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Nowadays, many people spend less time at home. What are the causes of this? What are the effects of this on individual and on society? v.1

Nowadays, many people spend less time at home. What are the causes of this? What are the effects of this on individual and on society? v. 1
Although it is thought by some that urging young people to abandon their family home at an early age is beneficial for them, others believe that it is better if children stay with their families for longer. In my opinion, I consider that leaving family home early has many advantages for children. On the one hand. Some people think that youngsters ought to leave their parents’ house so as to learn life skills at an early age. Their reasoning is that it should push young people towards independence and make them learn from life lessons rather than merely rely on their parents. For example, students who tend to pursue tertiary study away from their home city might learn taking personal responsibility. Also, living independently will teach children a lot by presenting some difficulties, which, consequently, will add some more experience that may prove essential in their future lives. On the other hand, it is argued that children should stay with their parents for longer for several reasons. Firstly, young people need advice from adults, and no one would be better suited to that than their parents. Secondly, life can be generally harsh, for children in particular. In other words, they might get involved in dangers or take unnecessary risks if they mix with the wrong crowd. It is commonly known that young people tend to be seduced easily by unethical people. To avoid that, being under parental supervision is utterly important for children. To sum up, while people’s opinions may vary, I believe that young people should leave their family home at an early age, while parents ought to provide them with appropriate advice and keep an eye on their well-being.
Although it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that urging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to abandon their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
home at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
age is beneficial for them, others believe that it is better if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
stay with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
for longer. In my opinion, I consider that leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages for children.

On the one hand.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that youngsters ought to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
learn life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
age. Their reasoning is that it should push
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
towards independence and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them learn from life lessons
rather
than
merely
rely on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
For example
, students who tend to pursue tertiary study away from their home city might learn taking personal responsibility.
Also
, living
independently
will teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a lot by presenting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficulties, which,
consequently
, will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
more experience that may prove essential in their future
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

On the other hand
, it
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should stay with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for longer for several reasons.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need advice from adults, and no one would be better suited to that than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Secondly
, life can be
generally
harsh, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in particular
.
In other words
, they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
or take unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
if they mix with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
crowd. It is
commonly
known that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
be seduced
easily
by unethical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. To avoid that, being under parental supervision is
utterly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for children.

To sum up, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
opinions may vary, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
home at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
age, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
ought to provide them with appropriate advice and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on their well-being.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, many people spend less time at home. What are the causes of this? What are the effects of this on individual and on society? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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