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some people think that a high salary is important when choosing a company to work for, while others think that a good working atmosphere is more important. discuss both views and give own opinion. v.2

some people think that a high salary is important when choosing a company to work for, while others think that a good working atmosphere is more important. v. 2
Over the period of time, there has been a noticeable change in the distribution of income. Because people who have high qualification are valued more as compared to section of people who are involved in manual work, Like construction labour, helpers, etc. However, I believe that educated people should be paid more. We shall be discussing further in favour of this argument, in the following paragraphs. First of all, the higher the education, higher would be job opportunities. By this I mean, good education plays an important role in designing one's career. The more educated you are, the more money you will make. For example: A person with elementary level certification can't be paid more than a person who hold a Master degree and works as Bank Manager. Therefore, in order to earn more, decent qualification is necessary. Secondly, equal remuneration for all will demotivate young generation. This is primarily because they will lose interest in studies, they won't think seriously about their career. They will believe, if we have to get the same salary, why should we put more efforts in studying Bachelor's or other higher certification. For example: A recent survey in Japan regarding same wages for everyone in the country has shown a 60% decrease in admissions, in schools, universities and colleges. To conclude, individual pay should be based on their skills, experience and education. Therefore, In order to boost the economy, pay should not be based on the nature and type of work a person is doing.
Over the period of time, there has been a noticeable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the distribution of income.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have high qualification
are valued
more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to section of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
are involved
in manual work, Like construction
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
, helpers, etc.
However
, I believe that educated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
be paid
more. We shall be discussing
further
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of this argument, in the following paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the higher the education, higher would be job opportunities. By this I mean,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in designing one's career. The more educated you are, the more money you will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
.
For example
: A person with elementary level certification can't
be paid
more than a person who hold a Master degree and works as Bank Manager.
Therefore
, in order to earn more, decent qualification is necessary.

Secondly
, equal remuneration for all will demotivate young generation. This is
primarily
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will lose interest in studies, they won't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
seriously
about their career. They will believe, if we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the same salary, why should we put more efforts in studying Bachelor's or other higher certification.
For example
: A recent survey in Japan regarding same wages for everyone in the country has shown a 60% decrease in admissions, in schools, universities and colleges.

To conclude
, individual pay should
be based
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, experience and education.
Therefore
, In order to boost the economy, pay should not
be based
on the nature and type of work a person is doing.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay some people think that a high salary is important when choosing a company to work for, while others think that a good working atmosphere is more important. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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