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Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. What might be the cases? What could be the disadvantage of being self-employed? v.4

Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. What might be the cases? What could be the disadvantage of being self-employed? v. 4
Nowadays, it has become a trend for the younger people to start their own businesses rather than working for someone else. The youth finds it the best possible way to utilize their talents and to make money and hence are not hesitating to risk their careers through such initiatives. This has got a lot of advantages and disadvantages which are discussed below. On the one hand, the modern education system, backed by the initiatives by the government to produce more job-creators, encourages people to become entrepreneurs. Students exposed to such an environment naturally have a mentality that being self employed is the best way to pursue their interests. Also, any good business idea is being welcomed by the private investors and governments are funded generously making self employment very attractive. Programmes such as Skill India, Start up India and angel investing are the best examples of the initiatives by the government and private parties. On the other hand, most of the people who aspire to become entrepreneurs lack the first hand experience of running a business and fail to put up a proper business plan even though they have creative business ideas. A recent study by the Oxford University states that more than fifty percent of the startups have closed down within 2 years because of mismanagement of the business. Misplaced priorities, inefficient management of the funds, improper marketing have led to such failures making the lives of people who were employed in such businesses miserable. To recapitulate, though the option of becoming an entrepreneur looks very attractive, it is very essential for the people to have worked in organizations which run similar businesses, understand the nuances of running a business and then venture into such activities. Such steps will help them run a sustainable business and achieve their goals.
Nowadays, it has become a trend for the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
rather
than working for someone else. The youth finds it the best possible way to utilize their talents and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money and
hence
are not hesitating to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
their careers through such initiatives. This has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantages and disadvantages which
are discussed
below.

On the one hand, the modern education system, backed by the initiatives by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to produce more job-creators, encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to become entrepreneurs. Students exposed to such an environment
naturally
have a mentality that being
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self employed
is the best way to pursue their interests.
Also
, any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is
being welcomed
by the private investors and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
are funded
generously
making self employment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
attractive.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Programmes' is British English.
Programmes
such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Skill
India,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Start
up India and angel investing are the best examples of the initiatives by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and private parties.

On the other hand
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who aspire to become entrepreneurs lack the
'first hand' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "first-hand".
first hand
experience of running a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and fail to put up a proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
plan
even though
they have creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
. A recent study by the Oxford University states that more than fifty percent of the startups have closed down within 2 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of mismanagement of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. Misplaced priorities, inefficient management of the funds, improper marketing have led to such failures making the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
were employed
in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
miserable.

To recapitulate, though the option of becoming an entrepreneur looks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
attractive, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
essential for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have worked in organizations which run similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
, understand the nuances of running a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and then venture into such activities. Such steps will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them run a sustainable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and achieve their goals.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A man who knows two languages is worth two men.
French Proverb

IELTS essay Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. What might be the cases? What could be the disadvantage of being self-employed? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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