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'Nowadays many countries have very cosmopolitan cities with people from all over the world. How can the government ensure that all these people can live together harmoniously? ' v.1

'Nowadays many countries have very cosmopolitan cities with people from all over the world. How can the government ensure that all these people can live together harmoniously? ' v. 1
As a result of the accelerating process of globalization in various aspects, many countries have very cosmopolitan cities and varied ethnic mix, which invariably result in government’s responsibility that ensure that new arrivals can live together harmoniously. On the one hand, governments should provide free classes about the culture of the country they are living in and of course, including language courses. When they are influenced with foreign products or culture, they may gradually get used to local traditional values or ways of life, so this would have a positive impact on a peaceful and close-knit society in the long run. On the other hand, government can encourage new arrivals to take the value of their own culture and products. Generally speaking, sharing something across the globe can contribute to a deeper mutual understanding between different nations. For example, a piece of country music by John Denver may well shed light on the peaceful daily life of Americans while a pop song by Cui Jian may introduce to Westerners a much more familiar China. There is overwhelming evidence of this when we consider Japan, or China, or even the US, which tend to incorporate the international elements into the local. To conclude, I am quite optimistic about the prospect of an increasingly amicable and united world. By the means of offering free classes and encouraging new arrivals to take the value of their own culture and products. Of course, some minority groups may be put at a disadvantage since they cannot receive equal attention as native groups. So I also advocate that governments or other bodies should make efforts to bring these minorities into the international horizon.
As a result
of the accelerating process of globalization in various aspects,
many
countries have
very
cosmopolitan cities and varied ethnic mix, which
invariably
result in
government’s
responsibility that ensure that new arrivals can
live
together
harmoniously
.

On the one hand,
governments
should provide free classes about the
culture
of the country they are living in and
of course
, including language courses. When they
are influenced
with foreign products or
culture
, they may
gradually
get
used
to local traditional values or ways of life,
so
this would have a
positive
impact on a peaceful and close-knit society in the long run.

On the other hand
,
government
can encourage new arrivals to take the value of their
own
culture
and products.
Generally
speaking, sharing something across the globe can contribute to a deeper mutual understanding between
different
nations.
For example
, a piece of country music by John Denver may well shed light on the peaceful daily life of Americans while a pop song by
Cui
Jian
may introduce to Westerners a much more familiar China. There is overwhelming evidence of this when we consider Japan, or China, or even the US, which tend to incorporate the international elements into the local.

To conclude
, I am quite optimistic about the prospect of an
increasingly
amicable and united world. By the means of offering free classes and encouraging new arrivals to take the value of their
own
culture
and products.
Of course
,
some
minority groups may
be put
at a disadvantage since they cannot receive equal attention as native groups.
So
I
also
advocate that
governments
or other bodies should
make
efforts to bring these minorities into the international horizon.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay 'Nowadays many countries have very cosmopolitan cities with people from all over the world. How can the government ensure that all these people can live together harmoniously? ' v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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