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nowadays many countries have every cosmopolitan cities with people from all over the world. how can the government ensure that all these people can live together harmoniously? v.1

nowadays many countries have every cosmopolitan cities with people from all over the world. how can the government ensure that all these people can live together harmoniously? v. 1
In todays world, having the right talent can make you famous. In my opinion, being famous at an adolescent age has more negative impact than a positive one. In my essay I will share my views on the same. To start with, being famous has lot of merits as well as demerits, which can impact the well-being of the person. A young public figure is always in the limelight. Due to which, his privacy is compromised, as his actions is always being watched by the public. At a young age, it is very difficult for the famous youngster to be cautious all the time, hence any negligence in his behaviour in public can lead to a negative effect on his image. For example, one young singer was trolled across the social media for arriving at an event drunk. Secondly, it becomes very stress full for the adolescent to handle all the pressure at an early stage of life. He is expected at all times to work long working hours in order to meet all his commitments. This can strain him both physically and mentally. Moreover, at an early stage of life, seeing too much wealth around can lead on misusing it. In order to overcome, the stress and pressure he could start indulging himself in having drugs and excessive alcohol at a young age. In addition, some famous people also suffer from depression, as most of the times with their busy schedules they have very less time to spend around their loved ones. In conclusion, young adolescent has to deal with a lot of pressure at an early stage in life, which could not be easy to handle and can have adverse effects on their physical and mental well-being.
In
Possible spelling mistake found.
todays
world, having the right talent can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
. In my opinion, being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
at an adolescent age has more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact than a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
one.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my essay I will share my views on the same.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
has
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
merits
as well
as demerits, which can impact the well-being of the person. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
public figure is always in the limelight. Due to which, his privacy
is compromised
, as his actions is always being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
by the public. At a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
age, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
youngster to be cautious all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
hence
any negligence in his
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in public can lead to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on his image.
For example
, one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
singer
was trolled
across the social media for arriving at an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
drunk.
Secondly
, it becomes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
full for the adolescent to handle all the pressure at an early stage of life. He is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
at all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
to work long working hours in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
all his commitments. This can strain him both
physically
and mentally.

Moreover
, at an early stage of life, seeing too much wealth around can lead on misusing it. In order to overcome, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and pressure he could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
indulging himself in having drugs and excessive alcohol at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
age.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
also
suffer from depression, as most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
with their busy schedules they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend around their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adolescent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
deal with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
pressure at an early stage in life, which could not be easy to handle and can have adverse effects on their physical and mental well-being.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay nowadays many countries have every cosmopolitan cities with people from all over the world. how can the government ensure that all these people can live together harmoniously? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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