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Nowadays many children are playing computer games instead of doing sports activities. Why is it happening? Is it a negative or positive development? v.1

Nowadays many children are playing computer games instead of doing sports activities. Why is it happening? Is it a negative or positive development? v. 1
Young individuals today are used to play computer games instead of doing outdoor activities because of a number of reasons, but this development can be widely viewed as a negative one. One of the reasons behind this kind of trend is due to the advancement of technology. They tend to play computer games because it is more enjoyable and fun. Example of this includes, Dota 2, Counterstrike, Conquer Online and League of Legends which are so addictive and exciting to play along with friends. Furthermore, playing computer games online doesn't require them to go outside just to play with their companions. They just need a good internet connection and a personal computer that can manage to download those kind of games. In effect, children will be safe from any danger and accidents as they are just playing in their home. However, I am of the belief that this will lead to many negative consequences. For one, it will probably result to certain health problems like vision impairment and neck strains as they are sitting and playing for longer hours. Also, serious health issues may develop in the future like cancer because of too much radiation that are being absorbed in the body and mental health issues like depression will likely to happen as these young individuals are used to be lonely and isolated in their rooms. In summary, children enjoyed playing computer games rather than doing sports activities because of certain reasons. Nevertheless, this development will cause serious negative effects in their health in the future.
Young individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
instead
of doing outdoor activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a number of reasons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this development can be
widely
viewed as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
one.

One of the reasons behind this kind of trend is due to the advancement of technology. They tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is more enjoyable and fun. Example of this includes,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dota
2,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Counterstrike
, Conquer Online and League of Legends which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
addictive and exciting to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
along with friends.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
online doesn't require them to go outside
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with their companions. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
need a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
internet connection and a personal computer that can manage to download
Did you mean "this kind" or "those kinds"?
those kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. In effect, children will be safe from any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
and accidents as they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
in their home.

However
, I am of the belief that this will lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences. For one, it will
probably
result to certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems like vision impairment and neck strains as they are sitting and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
for longer hours.
Also
, serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues may develop in the future like cancer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of too much radiation that are
being absorbed
in the body and mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues like depression will likely to happen as these young individuals are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be lonely and isolated in their rooms.

In summary, children enjoyed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
rather
than doing sports activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of certain reasons.
Nevertheless
, this development will cause serious
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
in the future.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays many children are playing computer games instead of doing sports activities. Why is it happening? Is it a negative or positive development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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