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Some students take a year off between school and university, to work or to travel. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

Some students take a year off between school and university, to work or to travel. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
Some people contend that taking a rest for one year and do the work or journey before they matriculate is advantageous for students, whereas others argue that it is not beneficial. I would argue that the merits of the gap year to do work or travel is superior to its demerits. On the negative side, it is believed that one gap year of entering universities has some disadvantages. To begin with, the delaying matriculation for one year leads one year lateness for graduation, and it affects student’s job haunting badly. For example, in Japan, the almost all students graduate from their universities when they are 22 years old, and then they start working for companies in the same age. Thus, if students have one gap year to do work or something, they have to begin their job hunting when they are 23 years old, and they unfortunately are likely to have difficulty in getting their own jobs. On the positive side, others, including me, believe that this rest time for one year between a high school and university to do travel or work has advantages over disadvantages for some reasons. First of all, one significant merit to do so is that students can understand their curiosities and necessary skills for a job. For instance, if they have an internship for a year, they can know about required skills for the job and they are able to take appropriate courses to get needed skill sets for their ideal work. For another example, if students take trip for one year, they possibly understand what they really want to do in their future in the way of the travel. These proses cause them to take job haunting of the industries which they are eager to enter based on their skills and curiosities and it leads them to obtain their ideal jobs. In conclusion, it is clear that there is one huge demerit, one year delay of starting a job hunting on due to the above reason. However, personally, I believe that a gap year have students understand their interest and this leads them to get appropriate jobs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
contend that taking a rest for one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
and do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or journey
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they matriculate is advantageous for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, whereas others argue that it is not beneficial. I would argue that the merits of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or travel is superior to its demerits.

On the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side, it
is believed
that one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
of entering universities has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the delaying matriculation for one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
leads one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
lateness for graduation, and it affects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
haunting
badly
.
For example
, in Japan, the almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
graduate from their universities when they are 22 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, and then they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in the same age.
Thus
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or something, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
hunting when they are 23 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, and they unfortunately are likely to have difficulty in getting their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
jobs.

On the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side, others, including me, believe that this rest time for one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
between a high school and university to do travel or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
has advantages over disadvantages for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, one significant merit to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can understand their curiosities and necessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
For instance
, if they have an internship for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, they can know about required
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
for the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
job and
they are able to take appropriate courses to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
needed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
sets for their ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. For another example, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
take trip for one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, they
possibly
understand what they
really
want to do in their future in the way of the travel. These
Possible spelling mistake found.
proses
cause them to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
haunting of the industries which they are eager to enter based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and curiosities and it leads them to obtain their ideal jobs.

In conclusion
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that there is one huge demerit, one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
delay of starting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
hunting on due to the above reason.
However
,
personally
, I believe that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
understand their interest and this leads them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some students take a year off between school and university, to work or to travel. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
354 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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