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Nowadays in many countries, people are following the latest fashion, hairstyles and so on. Is it a positive or a negative development? v.2

Nowadays in many countries, people are following the latest fashion, hairstyles and so on. Is it a positive or a negative development? v. 2
When it comes to fashion or new trends, people often mention a phenomenon of a group of people who excessively follow the most novel fashions ranging from outfits or hairstyles to home design. Therefore, this essay will discuss about some of the benefits and the drawbacks of this problem. This trend may bring positive feelings to the wearers because they can blend in with society. Thus, people will be more confident and attractive due to being able to wear expensive and trendy outfits. Besides, it could develop the fashion industry. When more clothes are bought, the turnover of textile factories, clothes manufacturers will increase adequately. More importantly, it might solve the unemployment problem effectively, open more job opportunity for people who are jobless. It also helps with fashion designers and models earn more money. Last but not least, fashion not only could be a factor of beauty, but it also helps them to obtain the value of themselves in the crowd. On the other hand, following the newest wrinkle can lead people to lose their personal identify. For instance, teenagers nowadays often would like to dress the same as their idols so that they will not have their own style, they cannot be unique, they are just the same as other people. Additionally, people will waste time and money to choose clothes and buy clothes. It would be a waste if people just buy, and does not care about the usage & suitability of the clothes. In conclusion, people should harmonize the demand for following the latest trends and know what they really need.
When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
or new trends,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
mention a phenomenon of a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
excessively
follow the most novel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashions
ranging from outfits or hairstyles to home design.
Therefore
, this essay will discuss about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of the benefits and the drawbacks of this problem.

This trend may bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
feelings to the wearers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can blend in with society.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be more confident and attractive due to being able to wear expensive and trendy outfits.
Besides
, it could develop the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
industry. When more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
, the turnover of textile factories,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
manufacturers will increase
adequately
. More
importantly
, it might solve the unemployment problem
effectively
, open more job opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are jobless. It
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
designers and models earn more money. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
could be a factor of beauty,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to obtain the value of themselves in the crowd.

On the other hand
, following the newest wrinkle can lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to lose their personal identify.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
nowadays
The adverb 'often' is usually put between 'would' and 'like'.
often would like
to dress the same as their idols
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will not have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
style, they cannot be unique, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
the same as other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will waste time and money to choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
. It would be a waste if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
, and does not care about the usage & suitability of the clothes.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should harmonize the demand for following the latest trends and know what they
really
need.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Nowadays in many countries, people are following the latest fashion, hairstyles and so on. Is it a positive or a negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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