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People work because they need money to live What are some other reasons that people work Discuss one or more of these reasons Use specific examples and details to support your answer v.1

People work because they need money to live What are some other reasons that people work Discuss one or more of these reasons Use specific examples and details to support your answer v. 1
These days, a large number of youngsters would like to visit concerts, theatres, sports events for rest and relaxation. However, I absolutely disagree with the idea that watching live performances is more attractive than watching these events on television because of some considerable reasons. First of all, it is so beneficial for viewers to enjoy favourite programmes at home. In other words, they can have someone recorded live concerts or plays to watch again, if they are too hectic to follow. Therefore, the viewers would not miss their favourite programmes. For instance, my elder brother often has me recorded football matches between Vietnam soccers and their competitors, whenever he has business trips and cannot follow these events. Second of all, participating live events costs participants an arm and a leg, but they are lack of privacy space. This is because big events are usually massive chances for businessmen to invest. They often buy tickets with a great bargain to sell with high prices. This leads to real fans costing too much money to take part in these events. Furthermore, live performances are too crowded, so it is very hard for participants to enjoy the privacy space. Even some cannot see their idol face clearly. Consequently, watching on television is the best way to enjoy live programmes. To conclude, following plays, live concerts, and sports events on television is useful for viewers to save money and enjoy their time effectively. As far as I am concerned, instead of going out, young people should turn on the TV and enjoy their beloved performances.
These days,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
youngsters would like to visit concerts,
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
, sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
for rest and relaxation.
However
, I
absolutely
disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
performances is more attractive than watching these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on television
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
considerable reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
beneficial for viewers to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
at home.
In other words
, they can have someone recorded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
concerts or plays to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
again, if they are too hectic to follow.
Therefore
, the viewers would not miss their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
.
For instance
, my elder brother
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
has me recorded football matches between Vietnam
Possible spelling mistake found.
soccers
and their competitors, whenever he has business trips and cannot follow these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.

Second of all, participating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
costs participants an arm and a leg,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are lack of privacy space. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
are
usually
massive chances for businessmen to invest. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
tickets with a great bargain to sell with high prices. This leads to real fans costing too much money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
performances are too crowded,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for participants to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
the privacy space. Even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their idol face
clearly
.
Consequently
, watching on television is the best way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
.

To conclude
, following plays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
concerts, and sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on television is useful for viewers to save money and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
their time
effectively
. As far as I
am concerned
,
instead
of going out, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should turn on the TV and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
their beloved performances.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay People work because they need money to live What are some other reasons that people work Discuss one or more of these reasons Use specific examples and details to support your answer v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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