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Nowadays in many countries, people are following the latest fashion, hairstyles and so on. Is it a positive or a negative development? v.1

Nowadays in many countries, people are following the latest fashion, hairstyles and so on. Is it a positive or a negative development? v. 1
Following the latest fashion trend has become trend in these days, especially amongst young people. Therefore, Some people have been fond of the latest fashions, hairstyle and are very particular about their personal appearance. While, in my viewpoint, these trends have more drawbacks than benefits On the one hand, there are several benefits for people to follow the latest trends. First of all, it is positive feelings to the wearers. People blend in with society because everyone wears the same. Youngsters would be more confident and makes them stand out in with the crowd. When they are wearing expensive and trendy outfits. Other benefits of keeping up with the latest trends, apparently, it brings to fashion industry development. When the demands of shopping are increasing more and more, these textile factories, clothes manufacture also make better in turnover. As a result, it makes the emergence of many new jobs are such as fashion designer or models. On the other hands, choosing new trends in term of clothing, hairstyles will bring adverse effects in life. Firstly, they may take more time to research and update newest trends. Finding a trendy outfits make them less interested the surrounding things. Secondly, these trendy outfits are often extremely expensive, therefore, they spend too much their budget on purchasing clothes. Fashion changes so fast nowadays, so out of fashion could be taken away which are wasteful and costly. Finally, people who are crazy about fashion can just buy newest trends while they don’t care about the usage and suitability of the clothes. To sum up, though following fashion has some outstanding benefits. As per my opinion the negative sides of these trends outweigh the positive sides.
Following the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
has become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
in these days,
especially
amongst young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been fond of the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashions
, hairstyle and are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
particular about their personal appearance. While, in my viewpoint, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
have more drawbacks than benefits

On the one hand, there are several benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to follow the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
feelings to the wearers.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
blend in with society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everyone wears the same. Youngsters would be more confident and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
them stand out in with the crowd. When they are wearing expensive and trendy outfits. Other benefits of keeping up with the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
,
apparently
, it brings to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
industry development. When the demands of shopping are increasing more and more, these textile factories, clothes manufacture
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
better in turnover.
As a result
, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
the emergence of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new jobs are such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
designer or models.

On the other hands, choosing new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
in term of clothing, hairstyles will bring adverse effects in life.
Firstly
, they may take more time to research and update
A determiner is probably missing here: "the newest".
newest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
. Finding a trendy outfits
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them less interested the surrounding things.
Secondly
, these trendy outfits are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
extremely
expensive,
therefore
, they spend too much their budget on purchasing clothes.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Fashion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
could
be taken
away which are wasteful and costly.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are crazy about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
A determiner is probably missing here: "the newest".
newest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
while they don’t care about the usage and suitability of the clothes.

To sum up, though following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
outstanding benefits.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
per my opinion the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
sides of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
outweigh the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays in many countries, people are following the latest fashion, hairstyles and so on. Is it a positive or a negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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