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Nowadays, entertainers get paid more than politicians. What are the reasons for this? Is this a negative or positive development? v.1

Nowadays, entertainers get paid more than politicians. What are the reasons for this? Is this a negative or positive development? v. 1
At present artist get more pay compared to the leaders who lead the country. This essay is going to discuss about the reasons like the attraction of the public towards the entertainment industry. Also this essay going to argue towards its sinister side of the outcome because of less income of politicians. Entertainers from ages attract people with their artistic skills, which help them to earn more popularity and money. At many stressful conditions of individuals, mainly with their personal and professional life always look for happiness, in order to attain that, crowd choose to go to movies, concerts which relax them. For example, a recent survey shows that the public gets fascinated to read film magazines like film fare or Oscars than the newspapers. Relaxation had been always a priority for the public, whereas they choose, entertainment as a method. This is a positive development because politics should not be a profit driven profession. A good example of this would be the earliest American founding founders, including Alexander Hamilton and George Washington, both of whom sacrificed private wealth for public service. Hamilton was the leading lawyer in New York and when he enthusiastically joined Washington’s cabinet, he took a drastic cut in payroll. By the end of his term, he was mired in debt, but had no regrets as he viewed the public political action as far more valuable than private capital. Politicians ought to earn a good earnings, but this should never subvert their chief motive in serving their country. Even though senators work day and nights for the development of the nation they earn less, when compared to the entertainment industry. In this essay discussed how celebrities make more money? By means of entertaining crowd. On the other hand also discussed about less wage of politicians leading them to the cruel way of earning, which could affect the civilians and it's in fact gives negative development.
At present artist
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more pay compared to the leaders who lead the country. This essay is going to
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
reasons like the attraction of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
towards the entertainment industry.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
this essay going to argue towards its sinister side of the outcome
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of less income of politicians.

Entertainers from ages attract
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with their artistic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to earn more popularity and money. At
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
stressful conditions of individuals,
mainly
with their personal and professional life always look for happiness, in order to attain that, crowd choose to go to movies, concerts which relax them.
For example
, a recent survey
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
fascinated to read film magazines like film fare or Oscars than the newspapers. Relaxation had been always a priority for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
, whereas they choose, entertainment as a method.

This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
politics should not be a profit driven profession. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this would be the earliest American founding founders, including Alexander Hamilton and George Washington, both of whom sacrificed private wealth for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
service. Hamilton was the leading lawyer in New York and when he
enthusiastically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
Washington’s cabinet, he took a drastic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
in payroll. By the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of his term, he
was mired
in debt,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
had no regrets as he viewed the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
political action as far more valuable than private capital. Politicians ought to earn a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "earning"?
earnings
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this should never subvert their chief motive in serving their country.

Even though
senators work day and nights for the development of the nation they earn less, when compared to the entertainment industry. In this essay discussed how celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more money? By means of entertaining crowd.
On the other hand
also
Did you mean simply "discussed less"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discussed about less
wage of politicians leading them to the cruel way of earning, which could affect the civilians and it's in fact gives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Nowadays, entertainers get paid more than politicians. What are the reasons for this? Is this a negative or positive development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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