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Some people say that the Internet is responsible for destroying social skills of teenagers and young adults. Why do you think the Internet is seen as dangerous in this way and what can we do to make sure that it does not harm the social development of teenagers and young adults? v.1

Some people say that the Internet is responsible for destroying social skills of teenagers and young adults. Why do you think the Internet is seen as dangerous in this way and what can we do to make sure that it does not harm the social development of teenagers and young adults? v. 1
In this new generation youngsters is become addicted in social media. Nowadays other masses think that the technology, is risky in the mental health of young people and also in adolescents. Because in this new era the teenagers busy, in their mobile phone. In this essay, I will discuss how the childrens and and adults become common in this social reform. In this issue human kind they need responsible to their individual so that the youth and mankind having time to their other task. To begin with, in this modern day of way of living the lifestyle of populace, specially the children is become hazardous. An this also the beggining why so many people and young adult become depress. For example, in foreign contry the teenager there is wild and independent, internet this is the cause of their saucide. However, it depends in the young people, if their parents focus their time in them they are far away of stress and they are taking care well. Although even they're big and also dependent. Apart of this, in this problem that struggle now of this way of life in this present day, parents and also family is responsible to check their youth everytime if they are in good situation. For instance, the mother and father give their hour to their offspring every weekend. So that they have time to have a bonding and they can monitor their children all the time. Moreover, most of all have a huge delimma in this current life this nation, because of technology now is fast and modernization. In conclusion, family is the huge part of the mental health of the young people and adult now, who is always use this most of the time. In my opinion, it is depend also to the individual who is responsible to use this kind of gadget and also social media. most people it is essential the respect of their self and also responsible for what they are doing in their life.
In this new generation youngsters is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
addicted in social media. Nowadays other masses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the technology, is risky in the mental health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
also
in adolescents.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
in this new era the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
busy, in their mobile phone. In this essay, I will discuss how the
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens
Possible typo: you repeated a word
and and
adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
common in this social reform. In this issue human kind they need
Did you mean "be responsible"?
responsible
to their individual
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the youth and mankind having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their other task.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in this modern day of way of living the lifestyle of populace,
specially
the children is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
hazardous.
Maybe you need to remove the second determiner so that only "An" or "this" is left.
An this
also
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
beggining
why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
depress.
For example
, in foreign
Possible spelling mistake found.
contry
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
there is wild and independent, internet this is the cause of their
Possible spelling mistake found.
saucide
.
However
, it
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depends on".
depends
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, if their parents focus their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in them they are far away of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
stress and
they are taking care well. Although even they're
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
and
also
dependent.

Wrong collocation. Did you mean "apart from"?
Apart of
this, in this problem that struggle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
of this way of life in this present day, parents and
also
family is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
their youth
Possible spelling mistake found.
everytime
if they are in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
situation.
For instance
, the mother and father give their hour to their offspring every weekend.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that they have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to have a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
bonding and
they can monitor their children all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Moreover
, most of all have a huge
Possible spelling mistake found.
delimma
in this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
life this nation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and modernization.

In conclusion
, family is the huge part of the mental health of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and adult
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, who is always
Consider using a past participle here: "used".
use
this most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In my opinion, it is
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depend on".
depend
also
to the individual who is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this kind of gadget and
also
social media.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
it is
Did you mean "essentially"?
essential
the respect of their self and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
for what they are doing in their life.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
17Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that the Internet is responsible for destroying social skills of teenagers and young adults. Why do you think the Internet is seen as dangerous in this way and what can we do to make sure that it does not harm the social development of teenagers and young adults? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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