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Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smartphones, video games for fun and entertainment; playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children’s development. v.1

Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smartphones, video games for fun and entertainment; playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children’s development. v. 1
As time passes, the type of entertainments is changing with galloping rates. In the past, children played in the yard with their peers but nowadays, every child has a video game, computer, smartphone, and to name but a few and spends his/her spare times with them. In this regard, there is a long-standing discussion among psychologists about which one is better for the children' s development. some parents allow their offspring to rely too much on the technology because they do not have any time to play with them. others, however, advocate the idea that their offspring should be entertained with toys and play with their friends. I personally, concur with the latter. In the following paragraphs, I will delve into the most important reasons. To begin with, in today' s modern world, everyone ought to have some mobility not to suffer from diseases. children who spend their time immobile using technology are in a danger of gaining weight, hearth diseases, blood pressure, and to name but handful. On the other hand, children who are active and play outside with their friend are healthy and even more happy. For example, I can recall my childhood when I played with my sister and my cousin in our yard. All of us had a bicycle and every day we allocate some hours to play with each other. now, when I recall those days, I am very satisfied with my childhood. Had I rely on the technology in my childhood, I would have been obese and ill now. Secondly, children could learn a lot from playing with each other. On the other hand, they may learn bad things from technology. parents have to care about their children when they use social media. Human beings are very curious about every things and child are not exception. they are willing to know everything that maybe is not suitable for them such as violence. For example, my cousin is an impolite child because his mother does not pay attention to what extent he uses social media. All in all, I believe that parents should monitor the time that children sit in a particular place and gaze at screen. children allowed to use media all the day without any limitation are susceptible to different kinds of illnesses and harshness.
As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
passes, the type of entertainments is changing with galloping rates. In the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
played in the yard with their peers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
nowadays, every child has a video game, computer, smartphone, and to name
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a few and spends his/her spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
with them. In this regard, there is a long-standing discussion
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
among


This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
psychologists
about which one is better for the
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s development.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
some
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their offspring to rely too much on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not have any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with them.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
others
,
however
, advocate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that their offspring should
be entertained
with toys and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with their friends. I
personally
, concur with the latter. In the following paragraphs, I will delve into the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in
Possible spelling mistake found.
today&
#039; s modern world, everyone ought to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mobility not to suffer from diseases.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
children
who spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
immobile using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
are in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of gaining weight, hearth diseases, blood pressure, and to name
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
handful. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are active and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
outside with their friend are healthy and even more happy.
For example
, I can recall my childhood when I played with my sister and my cousin in our yard. All of us had a bicycle and every day we allocate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hours to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
now
, when I recall those days, I am
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
satisfied with my childhood. Had I
Possible agreement error – use past participle here: "relied".
rely
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in my childhood, I would have been obese and ill
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could learn a lot from playing with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, they may learn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
things from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
care about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
social media. Human beings are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
curious about every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "thing"?
things
and child are not exception.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
they
are willing to know everything that maybe is not suitable for them such as violence.
For example
, my cousin is an impolite child
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
his mother does not pay attention to what extent he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
social media.

All in all, I believe that parents should monitor the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
sit in a particular place and gaze at screen.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
media all the day without any limitation are susceptible to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of illnesses and harshness.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
14Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smartphones, video games for fun and entertainment; playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children’s development. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
382 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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