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Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smartphone, video games for fun and entertainment; playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development. v.2

Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smartphone, video games for fun and entertainment; playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development. v. 2
Living in a world fulling of various technology form birth, today’s children usually have fun and relax themselves through computers, cell phones, and video games. 
They tend to spend as much time as they have on playing games alone. Some experts suggest children should play simpler toys and go outside rather than stay with technology at home. According to my perspective, outdoors activities and substantial toys will definitely benefit children more. First and foremost, playing toys and attending activities with friends is good for children’s health. They may run, jump and speak aloud when they play outside while staying sediment during the time of using computers or phone. As we all know, children obsess and short-eyesight growingly serious due to the longer time they spend watching TV or playing video games without moving. If they can go out and move with friends, they will gradually be healthy physically. On the other hand, emerging in the natural environment and the company of friends are crucial for the mental development of kids. It may cause mental distort in the future without these two factors in childhood. Thus, for both physical and mental health, children should play outside with friends. In addition, kids have more opportunities to practice interaction and communication skills when they play with others. It is inevitable to cooperate, negotiate and communicate whey children play with others. In this way, they will know how to interact with others, which is one of the most important features for future development. In contrast, those who like playing technology all alone probably lack an appropriate way to socialize. My distant cousin, James, love video games and are reluctant to go out with friends. The way he talks with people is like a general who commands his soldiers in the virtual world, which makes others uncomfortable. Therefore, kids do need outdoor activities with friends to learn the social skills. Last but not least, playing numerous devices from a young age, children are easily indulged in those things. According to the survey from Chinese Academy of Social Science, more than 80% of parents worried that their children are so addictive to technology, such as IPad, smartphones and computers, that exert a bad influence on their study. People cannot blame simply children if parents let them depend on this kind of method to relax and have fun at the very beginning. Kids are accustomed to using phones and have no strong ability to self-control. Therefore, it so hard for them to stop playing when they need to study. In conclusion, children are likely to maintain health and to obtain social skills by playing outside with friends, while they may indulge in technology. Parents ought to help kids to control the time they spend on technology device and encourage them to go outside.
Living in a world fulling of various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
form birth,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
usually
have fun and relax themselves through computers, cell phones, and video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. 
They tend to spend as much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as they have on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
alone.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
experts suggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
simpler toys and go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
rather
than stay with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
at home. According to my perspective, outdoors activities and substantial toys will definitely benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more.

First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
toys and attending activities with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health. They may run, jump and speak aloud when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
while staying sediment during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of using computers or phone. As we all know,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
obsess and short-eyesight
Possible spelling mistake found.
growingly
serious due to the longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they spend watching TV or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
without moving. If they can go out and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, they will
gradually
be healthy
physically
. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, emerging in the natural environment and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
are crucial for the mental development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. It may cause mental distort in the future without these two factors in childhood.
Thus
, for both physical and mental health,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
with friends.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
have more opportunities to practice interaction and communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with others. It is inevitable to cooperate, negotiate and communicate whey
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with others. In this way, they will know how to interact with others, which is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
features for future development.
In contrast
, those who like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
all alone
probably
lack an appropriate way to socialize. My distant cousin, James,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and are reluctant to go out with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. The way he talks with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
like a general who commands his soldiers in the virtual world, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
others uncomfortable.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
do need outdoor activities with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
to learn the social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
numerous devices from a young age,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
easily
indulged in those things. According to the survey from Chinese Academy of Social Science, more than 80% of parents worried that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
addictive to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
IPad
, smartphones and computers, that exert a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influence on their study.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
cannot blame
simply
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
if parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them depend on this kind of method to relax and have fun at the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beginning.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Kids
are accustomed
to using phones and have no strong ability to self-control.
Therefore
,
It seems that a verb is missing.
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
when they need to study.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are likely to maintain health and to obtain social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, while they may indulge in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. Parents ought to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to control the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they spend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
device and encourage them to go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
54Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smartphone, video games for fun and entertainment; playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
466 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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