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Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smart phone, video games, for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development. v.1

Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smart phone, video games, for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development. v. 1
It is argued that man and woman living more years and think that the retired age of those people should be increased. I personally believe that increasing retirement age should be effective on the country's economy and raise the life expectancy of the people. To begin with, increasing pullout age has wide implications on the country's economy. In job sections senior people have more experiences to solve a critical problem, while new employee's can not able to take a significant decision. For instance, Oxford university published a survey that senior employee's who are more than 50 years old they can take important decision immediately than the new employee's. When people work in a field for a long time, then they have more knowledge of different sectors. So, increasing fallback age should be economically beneficial for the public or private organizations. Furthermore, limited retirement age can affect the life of retired people. Since people living a long time after their retirement and they required more money as like as their salary to live solvent life. For example, the government service holder of Bangladesh gets a small amount of pension after the flight. The amount of pension is not enough to live as wealthy and faces different problem for the cost of life. People past lazy time after retirement and suffer several diseases. Hence, working for a long time increases life expectancy of the people. To sum up, pull back age can be raised according to the average life expectancy age of the people of a country. Increasing the retirement age gives a chance to work of experience person in so many departments.
It
is argued
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and woman living more years and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be increased
. I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
should be effective on the country's economy and raise the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
pullout
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
has wide implications on the country's economy. In job sections senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more experiences to solve a critical problem, while new employee's can not able to take a significant decision.
For instance
, Oxford university published a survey that senior employee's who are more than 50 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
they can take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decision immediately than the new employee's. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work in a field for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, then they have more knowledge of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sectors.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
fallback
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
should be
economically
beneficial for the public or private organizations.

Furthermore
, limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
can affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
after their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
retirement and
they required more money as like as their salary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
solvent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For example
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
service holder of Bangladesh
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount of pension after the flight. The amount of pension is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
as wealthy and faces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
problem for the cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
past lazy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
and suffer several diseases.
Hence
, working for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
increases
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To sum up, pull back
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
can
be raised
according to the average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of a country.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Increasing
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
gives a chance to work of experience person in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
departments.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smart phone, video games, for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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