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Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smart phone, video games, for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development. v.2

Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smart phone, video games, for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development. v. 2
As the information technology prospers, our daily life is changing constantly. Children’s entertainments are totally different now. More and more kids prefer to play computer games instead of having fun with friends outdoors. They rely so much on the smart and portable devices that they forget the importance and advantages of playing simpler toys, which are better for children’s development in fact. Firstly, playing simpler toys fosters children’s imagination. In TV series, video games and other high-technology entertainments, everything, from stories to rules, is set, leaving no room for children to create anything. In contrast, the simpler the toys are, the more space there is for children’s imagination. In this way, even a small garden can be a magical kingdom for children. Rocks and dirt won’t limit creativity. Putting different ideas into the same toys, children play in a new way every time, also their own way. Unfortunately, imagination is what high-tech entertainment is not able to bring them. Secondly, Playing outside in a simple way is good for children’s health. Most outdoor activities such as football and baseball contain a lot of body movements. While running and jumping in the field, children breathe fresh air outside and get exercise. As a consequence, their body is strengthened. However, playing with computers or smart phones lacks such advantages. Too much screen time only contributes to more sedentary lifestyle and turns increasing number of kids to couch potatoes. Moreover, it also results in short eyesight and obesity problems. From this perspective, we can also draw the conclusion that simple outdoor games are better. Thirdly, playing outside helps children make friends. Children learn to cooperate with others through multiplayer games. There is no better way to promote friendship than to play an outdoor ball game. Children become familiar and begin to build trong ties in outdoors games. It’s also a great chance to make new friends. I met one of my best friends Bess when I was playing badminton with my cousin. She was quite interested in badminton too. Owning to the same hobby, we soon became friends. And even until now, we still play badminton together several times a year. Although high-technology equipments can provide children with relaxation, its drawbacks are also obvious. In contrast, simple activities enable a child to have friends, vivid imagination and a strong body. Without doubts, it’s more beneficial for children’s all-round development in the long run.
As the information technology prospers, our daily life is changing
constantly
.
Children’s
entertainments are
totally
different
now
. More and more kids prefer to
play
computer
games
instead
of having fun with
friends
outdoors
. They rely
so
much on the smart and portable devices that they forget the importance and advantages of
playing
simpler
toys
, which are better for
children’s
development in fact.

Firstly
,
playing
simpler
toys
fosters
children’s
imagination
. In TV series, video
games
and other high-technology entertainments, everything, from stories to
rules
,
is set
, leaving no room for
children
to create anything.
In contrast
, the simpler the
toys
are, the more space there is for
children’s
imagination
.
In
this way, even a
small
garden can be a magical kingdom for
children
. Rocks and dirt won’t limit creativity. Putting
different
ideas
into the same
toys
,
children
play
in a new way
every time,
also
their
own
way. Unfortunately,
imagination
is what high-tech entertainment is not able to bring them.

Secondly
,
Playing
outside
in a simple way
is
good
for
children’s
health. Most
outdoor
activities such as football and baseball contain
a lot of
body movements. While running and jumping in the field,
children
breathe fresh air outside and
get
exercise. As a consequence, their body
is strengthened
.
However
,
playing
with computers or smart phones lacks such advantages. Too much screen time
only
contributes to more sedentary lifestyle and turns increasing number of kids to couch potatoes.
Moreover
, it
also
results in short eyesight and obesity problems. From this perspective, we can
also
draw the conclusion that simple
outdoor
games
are better.

Thirdly
,
playing
outside
helps
children
make
friends
.
Children
learn to cooperate with others through multiplayer
games
. There is no better way to promote friendship than to
play
an
outdoor
ball game.
Children
become familiar and
begin
to build
trong
ties in
outdoors
games
. It’s
also
a great chance to
make
new
friends
. I met one of my best
friends
Bess when I was
playing
badminton with my cousin. She was quite interested in badminton too. Owning to the same hobby, we
soon
became
friends
. And even until
now
, we
still
play
badminton together several times a year.

Although high-technology equipments can provide
children
with relaxation, its drawbacks are
also
obvious.
In contrast
, simple activities enable a child to have
friends
, vivid
imagination
and a strong body. Without doubts, it’s more beneficial for
children’s
all-round development in the long run.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
48Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smart phone, video games, for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
400 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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