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Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smart phone, video games, for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development. v.2

Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smart phone, video games, for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development. v. 2
As the information technology prospers, our daily life is changing constantly. Children’s entertainments are totally different now. More and more kids prefer to play computer games instead of having fun with friends outdoors. They rely so much on the smart and portable devices that they forget the importance and advantages of playing simpler toys, which are better for children’s development in fact. Firstly, playing simpler toys fosters children’s imagination. In TV series, video games and other high-technology entertainments, everything, from stories to rules, is set, leaving no room for children to create anything. In contrast, the simpler the toys are, the more space there is for children’s imagination. In this way, even a small garden can be a magical kingdom for children. Rocks and dirt won’t limit creativity. Putting different ideas into the same toys, children play in a new way every time, also their own way. Unfortunately, imagination is what high-tech entertainment is not able to bring them. Secondly, Playing outside in a simple way is good for children’s health. Most outdoor activities such as football and baseball contain a lot of body movements. While running and jumping in the field, children breathe fresh air outside and get exercise. As a consequence, their body is strengthened. However, playing with computers or smart phones lacks such advantages. Too much screen time only contributes to more sedentary lifestyle and turns increasing number of kids to couch potatoes. Moreover, it also results in short eyesight and obesity problems. From this perspective, we can also draw the conclusion that simple outdoor games are better. Thirdly, playing outside helps children make friends. Children learn to cooperate with others through multiplayer games. There is no better way to promote friendship than to play an outdoor ball game. Children become familiar and begin to build trong ties in outdoors games. It’s also a great chance to make new friends. I met one of my best friends Bess when I was playing badminton with my cousin. She was quite interested in badminton too. Owning to the same hobby, we soon became friends. And even until now, we still play badminton together several times a year. Although high-technology equipments can provide children with relaxation, its drawbacks are also obvious. In contrast, simple activities enable a child to have friends, vivid imagination and a strong body. Without doubts, it’s more beneficial for children’s all-round development in the long run.
As the information technology prospers, our daily life is changing
constantly
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children’s
entertainments are
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. More and more kids prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
instead
of having fun with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoors
. They rely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much on the smart and portable devices that they forget the importance and advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
simpler
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
, which are better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
development in fact.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
simpler
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
fosters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
imagination
. In TV series, video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and other high-technology entertainments, everything, from stories to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
,
is set
, leaving no room for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to create anything.
In contrast
, the simpler the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
are, the more space there is for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
imagination
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
this way, even a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
garden can be a magical kingdom for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Rocks and dirt won’t limit creativity. Putting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
into the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
Consider replacing "in a new way" with the adverb for "new"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a new way
every time,
also
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way. Unfortunately,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
imagination
is what high-tech entertainment is not able to bring them.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Playing
outside
Consider replacing "in a simple way" with the adverb for "simple"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a simple way
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
activities such as football and baseball contain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
body movements. While running and jumping in the field,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
breathe fresh air outside and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
exercise. As a consequence, their body
is strengthened
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
with computers or smart phones lacks such advantages. Too much screen time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
contributes to more sedentary lifestyle and turns increasing number of kids to couch potatoes.
Moreover
, it
also
results in short eyesight and obesity problems. From this perspective, we can
also
draw the conclusion that simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are better.

Thirdly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
outside
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
learn to cooperate with others through multiplayer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. There is no better way to promote friendship than to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
ball game.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
become familiar and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to build
Possible spelling mistake found.
trong
ties in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. It’s
also
a great chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. I met one of my best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
Bess when I was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
badminton with my cousin. She was quite interested in badminton too. Owning to the same hobby, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
became
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. And even until
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, we
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
badminton together several times a year.

Although high-technology equipments can provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with relaxation, its drawbacks are
also
obvious.
In contrast
, simple activities enable a child to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, vivid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
imagination
and a strong body. Without doubts, it’s more beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
all-round development in the long run.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
48Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smart phone, video games, for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
400 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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