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Nowadays children mostly spend their time playing computer games rather than sports. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development. v.2

Nowadays children mostly spend their time playing computer games rather than sports. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development. v. 2
In this modern era, toddlers mostly prefer to stay at home and spend their time on playing computer games instead of sports. This essay will discuss the reasons of this trend. It seems to me that it is a negative development and I will discuss this in coming crumb of my writing. To begin with, there are two main reasons that why children spend their time on computer games. Firstly, in this competitive era, money is crucial for survival. Both the parents of children doing a Job and they have a busy schedule. For this reason, they are not able to take their kids in playground for sports and the toddlers are left with only option that is online games. Secondly, the nature of parents become possessive because traffic is increasing day by day which makes the streets dangerous for kids to play. To protect their children from crowded places, parents would disallow them to go out for sports. Moving forward, it is a negative development and has various effects on children life such as when they do not play sports and use their spare time at home, it affects on their physical development. Moreover, if kids do not play sports then they will affected by obesity and become fat. There eye sight become weak when they spend most time on computer games and also it will effect their mental development. In conclusion, there are some reasons of this trend which I mentioned above such as safety concerns and hectic schedule of parents. It is a negative development as it badly effects the children with multifarious problems.
In this modern era, toddlers
mostly
prefer to stay at home and spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. This essay will discuss the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
of this trend. It seems to me that it
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
is


This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
and I will discuss this in coming crumb of my writing.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are two main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
that why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Firstly
, in this competitive era, money is crucial for survival. Both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
doing a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Job and
they have a busy schedule. For this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
, they are not able to take their kids in playground for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and the toddlers are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
option
that is
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Secondly
, the nature of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
become possessive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
traffic is increasing day by day which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the streets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for kids to play. To protect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from crowded places,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
would disallow them to go out for sports.

Moving forward, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
and has various effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
life such as when they do not play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home, it affects on their physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
Moreover
, if kids do not play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
then they will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "affect"
affected
by obesity and become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
. There
This word is usually spelt together: "eyesight".
eye sight
become weak when they spend most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
also
it will
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
their mental development.

In conclusion
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
of this trend which I mentioned above such as safety concerns and hectic schedule of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. It is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
as it
badly
effects the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with multifarious problems.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Nowadays children mostly spend their time playing computer games rather than sports. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
267 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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