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Nowadays children are experiencing too much educational and social pressure. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to reduce the pressure? v.2

Nowadays children are experiencing too much educational and social pressure. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to reduce the pressure? v. 2
In the contemporary world, children are under intense pressure from studies and social media, such as advertisements. In this essay, I will elaborate on the reasons for the increased stress among students and the measures to be taken to reduce such issues. The jobs in the market are more complicated than before and require comprehensive theoretical and practical knowledge to perform, and the majority of the post with high remuneration also belong to this category. Thus, students have to work extremely hard to score good percentage to enter university. Earlier, the numbers of students opting for a skilled job were few, but with the increasing population and shifting of factories from developed nations to developing countries, the pressure on students are mounting. As far a social pressure is concerned nowadays, children get easily influenced by negative peer pressure because we live in consumer culture and they want to have the same gadgets as their friends, irrespective of the fact, whether, their parents can afford it or not. There are many measures if taken by the school and family combined will help in decreasing this stress. First of all, the community should understand that to maintain a healthy economy of a general range of workers are required. For example, in the United Kingdom, there is a shortage of plumbers; hence, the cost of this service is shy high. Secondly, the government should censor advertisements, which are aimed at children. Last but not least, parents and schools should form a clear set of rules about behavior and ensure that they are observed and followed by students. To conclude, I would like to say that though the competition in the world is increasing to achieve better jobs, however, both skilled and unskilled workers are required to maintain the economy of a state. In addition, parents and authorities should collaborate to take measured to release student’s pressure.
In the contemporary world, children are under intense
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
from studies and social media, such as advertisements. In this essay, I will elaborate on the reasons for the increased
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and the measures to
be taken
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
such issues.

The jobs in the market are more complicated than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
and require comprehensive theoretical and practical knowledge to perform, and the majority of the post with high remuneration
also
belong to this category.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to score
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
percentage to enter university. Earlier, the numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
opting for a skilled job were few,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with the increasing population and shifting of factories from developed nations to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are mounting. As far a social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
is concerned
nowadays, children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
easily
influenced by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in consumer
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
culture and
they want to have the same gadgets as their friends, irrespective of the fact, whether, their parents can afford it or not.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
measures if taken by the school and family combined will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in decreasing this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the community should understand that to maintain a healthy economy of a general range of workers
are required
.
For example
, in the United Kingdom, there is a shortage of plumbers;
hence
, the cost of this service is shy high.
Secondly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should censor advertisements, which
are aimed
at children. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, parents and schools should form a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
set of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
about behavior and ensure that they
are observed
and followed by students.

To conclude
, I would like to say that though the competition in the world is increasing to achieve better jobs,
however
, both skilled and unskilled workers
are required
to maintain the economy of a state.
In addition
, parents and authorities should collaborate to take measured to release
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays children are experiencing too much educational and social pressure. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to reduce the pressure? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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