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Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour than for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements and this sets a bad example to the young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour than for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements and this sets a bad example to the young people. v. 2
These days famous people are known for their beauty and richness than accomplishments. While some believe such behaviour negatively affects youngsters, I feel it all depends on the individual and the person he/she follows. To begin, many sportsmen have made the nation proud by winning competitions at the global level. These athletes did not achieve success overnight but through continuous learning, persistence and hard work. Imitating such achievers will help juveniles to carve out their own path and achieve success in the long term. For instance, Sachin Tendulkar, a cricketer who is known best for his batting skills and not for his net worth. Idolising such a cricketer could be beneficial because his way to success was purely hard work and perseverance. However, there are some celebrities who are popular for their looks and hi-fi lifestyle that they display in public. These usually become a star because of their family background or by wrongdoings. Since they lack talent and patience, they tend to depend on their family members. Bollywood for example, many actors are seen nowadays are the children of businessman and they are famous for their luxurious living and spending. Since they do not have to accomplish anything, they post pictures of their lifestyle on social media to gain attention. Copying the behaviour of such personalities will merely ruin a child’s life. In conclusion, young people tend to follow famous persons by imitating them. Care should be taken while choosing an idol because every famous person in this world is not worth to follow.
These days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are known
for their beauty and richness than accomplishments. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe such
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
negatively
affects youngsters, I feel it all depends on the individual and the person he/she follows.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sportsmen have made the nation proud by winning competitions at the global level. These athletes did not achieve success overnight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
through continuous learning, persistence and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work. Imitating such achievers will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
juveniles to carve out their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
path and achieve success in the long term.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sachin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tendulkar
, a cricketer who
is known
best for his batting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and not for his net worth.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Idolising' is British English.
Idolising
such a cricketer could be beneficial
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
his way to success was
purely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and perseverance.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
celebrities who are popular for their looks and hi-fi lifestyle that they display in public. These
usually
become a star
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their family background or by wrongdoings. Since they lack talent and patience, they tend to depend on their family members. Bollywood
for example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
actors are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
nowadays are the children of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
businessman and
they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
for their luxurious living and spending. Since they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
accomplish anything, they post pictures of their lifestyle on social media to gain attention. Copying the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of such personalities will
merely
ruin a child’
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
s


This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
life
.

In conclusion
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to follow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
persons by imitating them. Care should
be taken
while choosing an idol
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
person in this world is not worth to follow.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour than for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements and this sets a bad example to the young people. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
255 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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