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Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. v. 2
At present, celebrities are well-known because of the image of glamour and fortune associated with them, not because of their accomplishments, so according to some, this sets a bad paradigm to young people. In my opinion, I strongly disagree that celebrities set a bad example to young people as celebrities do not ask people to worship them. A good reason to not take celebrities as role models is that a celebrity’s role in society is to entertain people, not to set a moral example for young people. For example, celebrities generally want to gain a lot of publicity and achieve fame. Therefore, they want always to be in the spotlight because this is the sole purpose of their job. To cite an example, a movie star in Egypt mentioned in one of his interviews that young people should think twice before imitate other’s behaviors because people always don’t pay any attention to their behaviors in public in many cases. Another point to consider is that, like everyone else, celebrities may have moral shortcomings and make the wrong life choices. Young people don’t know the concept that celebrities make mistakes like us. Due to the lack of experience that young people have, they see celebrities as positive role models in their life to help them to live with hope, integrity, and compassion. As a result, if one of their role models did something wrong; they blindly copy his/her action without thoroughly thinking. For example, a famous football player committed suicide last week because of his financial worries, and consequently, three of his fans were trying to kill themselves by committing suicide as well. Finally, parents, teachers, and scientists rather than celebrities should be role models in our society. These people have tremendous positive effects on people’s behaviors. Young people can learn from their parents, how to be more dedicated, and how to behave responsibly in public. Furthermore, young people should be taught that they can be very successful and a very good person at the same time, such as scientists. For instance, Ahmed Zewail, who was awarded the Nobel Prize in Chemistry for his work in femtochemistry, should be taken as a positive role model for our children. Moreover, teachers, scientists, and parents are needed to compensate for the lack of positive role models among politicians and business people. In conclusion, while celebrities are responsible for their actions and they did not ask young people to take them as role models, there are some people ought to be taken as a moral example such as scientists and parents.
At present,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are well-known
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the image of glamour and fortune associated with them, not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their accomplishments,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, this sets a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
paradigm to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In my opinion, I
strongly
disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
set a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
do not ask
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to worship them.

A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reason to not take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
models
is that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
in society is to entertain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, not to set a moral
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
generally
want to gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
publicity and achieve fame.
Therefore
, they
The adverb 'always' is usually put before the verb 'want'.
want always
to be in the spotlight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this is the sole purpose of their job. To cite an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, a movie star in Egypt mentioned in one of his interviews that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
twice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
imitate other’s behaviors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always don’t pay any attention to their behaviors in public in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases.

Another point to consider is that, like everyone else,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
may have moral shortcomings and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
life choices.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t know the concept that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
mistakes like us. Due to the lack of experience that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
models
in their life to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with hope, integrity, and compassion.
As a result
, if one of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
models
did something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
; they
blindly
copy his/her action without
thoroughly
thinking. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
football player committed suicide last week
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of his financial worries, and
consequently
, three of his fans were trying to kill themselves by committing suicide
as well
.

Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, teachers, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
models
in our society. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have tremendous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positive
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
behaviors.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can learn from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, how to be more dedicated, and how to behave
responsibly
in public.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be taught
that they can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
successful and a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
person at the same time, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
.
For instance
, Ahmed
Possible spelling mistake found.
Zewail
, who
was awarded
the Nobel Prize in Chemistry for his work in
Possible spelling mistake found.
femtochemistry
, should
be taken
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
model
for our children.
Moreover
, teachers,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are needed
to compensate for the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
models
among politicians and business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are responsible for their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
actions and
they did not ask
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to take them as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
models
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
ought to
be taken
as a moral
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
68Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
427 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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