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Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour than for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements and this sets a bad example to the young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour than for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements and this sets a bad example to the young people. v. 1
It is an unfortunate reality of today's world that celebrities are cherished and celebrated, not for their achievements, but merely for their fame and wealth. Youth, in particular, views such worldly possessions of celebrities as the highest mark of human achievement. No wonder this trend has devastating effects on the younger generation. To prove this, one has to analyse how youth perceives celebrities' success in general and the fact that many amongst them don't pose the right kind of image for youth to look up to. Firstly, very few young people realise that all the fame and glory that the celebrities get to enjoy is never achieved overnight, rather it is all blood, sweat and tears. It takes years and years of struggle to get to that point, which many youngsters choose not to go through, rather, they look for shortcuts towards success. Thus, as a result, they are overcome with procrastination and laziness, which is a direct consequence of idealising the materialistic possessions of their ideals. Secondly, one should consider the fact that a number of superstars in the entertainment business are infamous who should not be looked up to in any way. For instance, musicians who use extremely obscure lyrical themes in their music, or the actors working in biographical movies dedicated to serial killers etc. These instances show that when youth venerates such forms of entertainment, they are somehow led to believe that they can also become as famous and successful merely by imitating their so-called ideals. Hence, the negative influence of such a trend is obvious. Having analysed how glorifying the rich people, not for their hard-earned achievements, but merely for their worldly possessions, can affect youth's perception of success, it is proven that this tendency does set a bad example. It is highly recommended that youth should be encouraged to realise that a man's worth should not be judged by his possessions, rather by the journey he goes through to achieve those possessions.
It is an unfortunate reality of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world that celebrities
are cherished
and celebrated, not for their achievements,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
merely
for their fame and wealth.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Youth
,
in particular
, views such worldly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
possessions
of celebrities as the highest mark of human achievement. No wonder this trend has devastating effects on the younger generation. To prove this, one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
perceives celebrities' success
in general
and the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
amongst them don't pose the right kind of image for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
to look up to.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
few young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that all the fame and glory that the celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to enjoy is never achieved overnight,
rather
it is all blood, sweat and tears. It takes years and years of struggle to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to that point, which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters choose not to go through,
rather
, they look for shortcuts towards success.
Thus
,
as a result
, they
are overcome
with procrastination and laziness, which is a direct consequence of
Possible spelling mistake. 'idealising' is British English.
idealising
the materialistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
possessions
of their ideals.

Secondly
, one should consider the fact that a number of superstars in the entertainment business are infamous who should not
be looked
up to in any way.
For instance
, musicians who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
extremely
obscure lyrical themes in their music, or the actors working in biographical movies dedicated to serial killers etc. These instances
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
venerates such forms of entertainment, they are somehow led to believe that they can
also
become as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
and successful
merely
by imitating their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called ideals.
Hence
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence of such a trend is obvious.

Having
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
how glorifying the rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, not for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-earned achievements,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
merely
for their worldly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
possessions
, can affect youth's perception of success, it
is proven
that this tendency does set a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
example. It is
highly
recommended that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
should
be encouraged
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
's worth should not
be judged
by his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
possessions
,
rather
by the journey he goes through to achieve those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
possessions
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour than for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements and this sets a bad example to the young people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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