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Nowadays, celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Nowadays, celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. v. 1
Most of the superstars of current era are known for their lavish lifestyle and bank balance rather than their accomplishments and it is a bad example for the youngsters. In my opinion, I completely agree with this statement as not only does this practice deviate youngsters’ minds from studies but it also makes them set unrealistic ambitions. Firstly, the possessions of celebrities attract teenagers while luring them away from the studies. Students in their teens are the ones most attracted to celebrities. The superstars often showcase their supposedly content life around all the materialistic things they have earned. Teenagers are most vulnerable among their audience and they waste a lot of time and money following them. By the time they realize, the professional life is already knocking at the door. Secondly, the extravagant lifestyle of the celebrities encourages youngsters to fantasize about unrealistic goals. There is so much competition in the entertainment industry that only 3% of the people trying to become a superstar actually make it big in their lives. The youngsters fail to realize this and focus with all their might, on becoming like their idols. After multiple attempts at it, they are often left broke and wondering which career path to choose. In conclusion, I agree that the trend of following hyped up celebrities becomes a reason for lack of education and meaningless wander for the youngsters. The dreams of the youngsters are manipulated by materialistic attraction and it is often too late when this is realized.
Most of the superstars of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
era
are known
for their lavish lifestyle and bank balance
rather
than their accomplishments and it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
example for the youngsters. In my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement as not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does this practice deviate youngsters’ minds from studies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them set unrealistic ambitions.

Firstly
, the possessions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
attract
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
while luring them away from the studies. Students in their teens are the ones most attracted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
. The superstars
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
showcase their
supposedly
content life around all the materialistic things they have earned.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
are most vulnerable among their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
audience and
they waste
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time and money following them. By the time they realize, the professional life is already knocking at the door.

Secondly
, the extravagant lifestyle of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
encourages youngsters to fantasize about unrealistic goals. There is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much competition in the entertainment industry that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
3% of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
trying to become a superstar actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. The youngsters fail to realize this and focus with all their might, on becoming like their idols. After multiple attempts at it, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
broke and wondering which career path to choose.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the trend of following hyped up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
becomes a reason for lack of education and meaningless wander for the youngsters. The dreams of the youngsters
are manipulated
by materialistic attraction and it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
too late when this
is realized
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Nowadays, celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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