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Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.9

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. with this statement? v. 9
It is true that some celebrities are known for their glamorous lifestyles rather than for the work they do. While I agree that these celebrities set a bad example for children, I believe that other famous people act as positive role models. On the one hand, many people do achieve fame without really working for it. They may have inherited money from parents, married a famous or wealthy person, or they may have appeared in gossip magazines or on a reality TV programme. A good example would be Paris Hilton, who is rich and famous for the wrong reasons. She spends her time attending parties and nightclubs, and her behaviour promotes the idea that appearance, glamour and media profile are more important than hard work and good character. The message to young people is that success can be achieved easily, and that school work is not necessary. On the other hand, there are at least as many celebrities whose accomplishments make them excellent role models for young people. Actors, musicians and sports stars become famous idols because they have worked hard and applied themselves to develop real skills and abilities. They demonstrate great effort, determination and ambition, which is required for someone who wants to be truly successful in their chosen field. An example is the actor and martial artist Jackie Chan, who has become world famous through years of practice and hard work. This kind of self-made celebrity can inspire children to develop their talents through application and perseverance.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are known
for their glamorous lifestyles
rather
than for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
they do. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
set a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
example for children, I believe that other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
act as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
role models.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do achieve fame without
really
working for it. They may have inherited money from parents, married a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
or wealthy person, or they may have appeared in gossip magazines or on a reality TV
Possible spelling mistake. 'programme' is British English.
programme
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example would be Paris Hilton, who is rich and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
reasons. She spends her time attending parties and nightclubs, and her
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
promotes the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that appearance, glamour and media profile are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
character. The message to young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
that success can
be achieved
easily
, and that school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is not necessary.

On the other hand
, there are at least as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
whose accomplishments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them excellent role models for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Actors, musicians and sports stars become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
idols
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have worked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and applied themselves to develop real
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and abilities. They demonstrate great effort, determination and ambition, which
is required
for someone who wants to be
truly
successful in their chosen field. An example is the actor and martial artist Jackie Chan, who has become world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
through years of practice and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. This kind of self-made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
can inspire children to develop their talents through application and perseverance.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. with this statement? v. 9

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
250 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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