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Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (Reported 2017, Academic Test) v.5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. (Reported 2017, Academic Test) v. 5
Today, actors are more popular for their money and glamorous lifestyle than rather than for their contribution to the industry, which can have a detrimental impact on the youth. I my opinion, I completely agree with the aforementioned sentence. Firstly, typically stars have a big fan following especially major the portion of their following is youth. Followers always try to look, behave and live according to the similar lifestyle as their idol. In the current situation, it can be seen that celebrities are spending a lot of money on exotic cars and on high cost cloths which is very appealing to their fans. Consequently, they try to do the same which might not be feasible to their budget. Secondly, after gaining the stardium in the industry, they start drinking or smoking in the public places which makes young generation think that it is cool to smoke and drink since their role models are doing it. Furthermore, celebrities are often used for marketing and advertisement purposes for goods that are unhealthy and high in price. Promotion of this product from them manipulates people’s decision and they end up purchasing those expensive goods without thinking. Finally, life style of celebrity always seems tempting to their fans, and they try to achieve the same thing by any means as a result sometimes they might end up in unethical activity which might land them into jail sometime. People start doing criminal activity in order to gain finance they require for spending money like their favourite actor. In conclusion, I believe most of the time celebrity’s bad behaviour in public places impacts people in a more negative way than the positive.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, actors are more popular for their money and glamorous lifestyle than
rather
than for their contribution to the industry, which can have a detrimental impact on the youth. I my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the aforementioned sentence.

Firstly
,
typically
stars have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
fan following
especially
major the portion of their following is youth. Followers always try to look, behave and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
according to the similar lifestyle as their idol. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
situation, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money on exotic cars and on high cost cloths which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
appealing to their fans.
Consequently
, they try to do the same which might not be feasible to their budget.

Secondly
, after gaining the
Possible spelling mistake found.
stardium
in the industry, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
drinking or smoking in the public places which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
young generation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is cool to smoke and drink since their role models are doing it.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for marketing and advertisement purposes for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
that are unhealthy and high in price. Promotion of this product from them manipulates
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
decision and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up purchasing those expensive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
without thinking.

Finally
, life style of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
always seems tempting to their fans, and they try to achieve the same thing by any means
as a result
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in unethical activity which might land them into jail sometime.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
doing criminal activity in order to gain finance they require for spending money like their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
actor.

In conclusion
, I believe most of the time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in public places impacts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
way than the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
You live a new life for every new language you speak. If you know only one language, you live only once.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. (Reported 2017, Academic Test) v. 5

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
276 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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