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Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.16

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. with this statement? v. 16
Some people believe that luxury and prosperity are the dominant factors that bring people a meteoric rise to fame nowadays rather than their own talents and success, which leads to the negative effects on youngsters. I totally agree with this viewpoint. For a variety of reasons, wealthy people would not necessarily be the talented or outstanding people. Firstly, they may be born in a rich family and they tend to be dependent on the financial support of their parents. For instance, in Viet Nam there have been some successful businessmen who may pass their billion dollar businesses to their sons or daughters when their children are still young. Which may lead to the luxury ways of living that their sons or daughters have even their children may not be talented. Thereby, their sons or daughters tend to be famous with richness brought from them. Secondly, people may use beauty or commit crimes to have a luxurious life. For example, the models or beautiful girls may have sensitive and close relationships with millionaires to have financial support from them. Drug dealers who have not been arrested may have a huge sum of money from illegal activities to have wealth. They may become famous with super cars or super villas without any achievements. The mentioned prosperity and fame seem to have bad effects on young people. For one thing, they may consider being rich at all costs will make them to be celebrities. For example, young girls tend to take care of their appearance, have rich boyfriends, prostitute rather than studying or learning at school which may lead to the deterioration of morale. For the other thing, people tend to behave and learn from their celebrities, and when they celebrities behave badly because of the insufficient education and lack of acknowledgment, this may result in social evils in society of youngsters. In conclusion, there have been a great number of ways to become rich and famous, young people should take the talent as well as the ability of celebrities as the first priority to have the right idols.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that luxury and prosperity are the dominant factors that bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a meteoric rise to fame nowadays
rather
than their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
talents and success, which leads to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on youngsters. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this viewpoint.

For a variety of reasons, wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would not
necessarily
be the talented or outstanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Firstly
, they may
be born
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
family and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tend
to be dependent on the financial support of their parents.
For instance
, in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Viet
Nam there have been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
successful businessmen who may pass their billion dollar businesses to their sons or daughters when their children are
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
. Which may lead to the luxury ways of living that their sons or daughters have even their children may not
be talented
. Thereby, their sons or daughters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tend
to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
with richness brought from them.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
beauty or commit crimes to have a luxurious life.
For example
, the models or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
girls may have sensitive and close relationships with millionaires to have financial support from them. Drug dealers who have not
been arrested
may have a huge sum of money from illegal activities to have wealth. They may become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
with super cars or super villas without any achievements.

The mentioned prosperity and fame seem to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. For one thing, they may consider being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
at all costs will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
girls
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tend
to take care of their appearance, have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
boyfriends, prostitute
rather
than studying or learning at school which may lead to the deterioration of morale.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
For
the other thing,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tend
to behave and learn from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
, and when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
behave
badly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the insufficient education and lack of acknowledgment, this may result in social evils in society of youngsters.

In conclusion
, there have been a great number of ways to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should take the talent
as well
as the ability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
as the
first
priority to have the right idols.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. with this statement? v. 16

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
346 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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