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Playing a musical instrument is one of the most important achievements for any child. To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.1

Playing a musical instrument is one of the most important achievements for any child. v. 1
It is argued by some that child with musician skills and education will have got successful future, unlike those who do not have it. In my opinion, I don't agree with that. I assume that playing an instrument is just a hobby, nothing more. Firstly, marvellous and virtuoso playing on any musical appliance is, obviously, not superfluous perk, because you can spend yours and others' free time enjoying your performance. Secondly, pupils who are playing a musical instrument have got a good and accurate hearing. On the one hand, I know a lot of felicitous people who can not play any musical apparatus, but they are happy and pleased. For example, many prominent actors, even from Hollywood, as well can't play a musical equipment. Leonardo DiCaprio, quite famous and legendary actor, who has got a lot of rewards as Oscar, also cannot play a musical gear. Actors are not the only example, you can also take the scientists. They figure out either mathematics or biology or informatics or other important sciences. I want to say that the absence of playing a musical gadget does not make them disappointed. On the other hand, there are many people who are playing, for example, piano and they can distinguish by ear even very similar sounds. For instance, it is helpful and useful to distinguish peoples' voices, especially when you work in a big company like either Microsoft or Amazon. Because there are really a lot of people there, so you need to understand who you hear and listen. Consequently, this ability is very useful like leader's skills. Furthermore, I certainly think that playing on guitar cheers up. In conclusion, possession of musical instruments is really better than the lack of this hobby. Of course, it won't depend on your success in the future, however, it can definitely help to get it. I recommend playing a musical device, because the benefits which you have if you play a musical instrument are exactly useful.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that child with musician
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and education will have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
successful future, unlike those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not have it. In my opinion, I don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that. I assume that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instrument
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a hobby, nothing more.
Firstly
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'marvellous' is British English.
marvellous
and virtuoso
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
on any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
appliance is,
obviously
, not superfluous perk,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you can spend yours
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
' free time enjoying your performance.
Secondly
, pupils
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instrument
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and accurate hearing.

On the one hand, I know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
felicitous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
can not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
apparatus,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are happy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
pleased
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
prominent actors, even from Hollywood,
as well
can't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
equipment. Leonardo DiCaprio, quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
and legendary actor,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
rewards as Oscar,
also
cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
gear. Actors are not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
example, you can
also
take the scientists. They figure out either mathematics or biology or informatics or other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
sciences. I want to say that the absence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
gadget does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them disappointed.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
,
for example
,
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
piano and
they can distinguish by ear even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
similar sounds.
For instance
, it is helpful and useful to distinguish peoples' voices,
especially
when you work in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
like either Microsoft or Amazon.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
there are
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
there,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
you need to understand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
you hear and listen.
Consequently
, this ability is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful like leader's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Furthermore
, I
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
on guitar cheers up.

In conclusion
, possession of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instruments
is
really
better than the lack of this hobby.
Of course
, it won't depend on your success in the future,
however
, it can definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it. I recommend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
device,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the benefits which you have if you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instrument
are exactly useful.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Playing a musical instrument is one of the most important achievements for any child. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
329 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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