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Nowadays, celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievement and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Nowadays, celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievement and this sets a bad example to young people. v. 2
It is certainly true that today more TV and movie personalities are better known for their glamorous look and wealth rather than their accomplishments. This will probably have a negative impact on gullible young individuals but not for the critically thinking teenagers. The primary reason to agree with this statement is that minors are gullible. They are easily taken into those who they watch in television, movie or even in advertisements. For instance, Philippine presidential sister and TV and movie superstar, Ms. Kris Aquino is the most admired especially for the Filipino adolescents, and at the same time most dislike celebrity in the country. She came from a very powerful political family, but she uses her wealth for the sake of glamour through liposuction and spending too much for expensive branded products such as Louis Vuitton, Chanel and Hermes. This will perhaps affect believing younger people in a negative way because she is actually showing that it is alright to spend too much money for manipulating God-given body and for unnecessary costly things. On the other hand, not all young ones are credulous; most of them are critical thinkers. So they are wisely enough not to look just the allurement and richness of TV and commercial stars but to focus their notable achievements. For example, the international boxer figure, Emmanuel "Manny" Pacquiao who was then a typical Filipino poor man, and became an extremely wealthy boxing man because of his undeniably perseverance and dedication. These are the qualities some youths in the Philippines are trying to emulate In conclusion, I think that in my country, there are more discerning younger people than unwise ones. So they are not easily affected by just the celebrities' beautiful aura and wealth. They know which one to be emulated and that is the figure's good qualities.
It is
certainly
true that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
more TV and movie personalities are better known for their glamorous look and wealth
rather
than their accomplishments. This will
probably
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on gullible young individuals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not for the
critically
thinking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.

The primary reason to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement is that minors are gullible. They are
easily
taken into those who they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
in television, movie or even in advertisements.
For instance
, Philippine presidential sister and TV and movie superstar, Ms. Kris Aquino is the most admired
especially
for the Filipino adolescents, and at the same time most dislike celebrity in the country. She came from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
powerful political family,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
her wealth for the sake of glamour through liposuction and spending too much for expensive branded products such as Louis Vuitton, Chanel and Hermes. This will perhaps affect believing younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
way
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she is actually showing that it is alright to spend too much money for manipulating God-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
body and for unnecessary costly things.

On the other hand
, not all young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
are credulous; most of them are critical thinkers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they are
wisely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
not to look
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
the allurement and richness of TV and commercial stars
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to focus their notable achievements.
For example
, the international boxer figure, Emmanuel
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Possible spelling mistake found.
Manny
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
Possible spelling mistake found.
Pacquiao
who was then a typical Filipino poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
, and became an
extremely
wealthy boxing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of his
undeniably
perseverance and dedication. These are the qualities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
youths in the Philippines are trying to
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
emulate


In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that in my country, there are more discerning younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
than unwise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they are not
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
the celebrities'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
aura and wealth. They know which one to
be emulated
and
that is
the figure's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
qualities.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Nowadays, celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievement and this sets a bad example to young people. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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