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Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamamous and weath than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people v.1

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamamous and weath than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people v. 1
Moving towards the 21st century, a large number of people are nowadays expressing a deeply growing concern about celebrities. In fact, there are some who hold firmly to their belief that some celebrities are known for their glamorous lifestyles rather than for the work they do and they set a bad example for children. However, others argue convincingly that many celebrities whose accomplishments make them excellent role models for young people. As far as I am concerned, I wholeheartedly agree with the former argument, and some major points will be addressed in the following paragraphs. To begin with, there is a clear evidence for other people to support the opposite view, there are celebrities who are popular for their incredible acts or outstanding performance. Actually, it is a well-documented fact that actors, musicians and sports stars become famous idols because they worked hard and applied themselves to develop real skills and abilities. For instance, the actor and martial artist Jacke Chan, who has become world-famous through years of practice and hard work. On the other hand, there are a number of points for people to defend the view that celebrities are now rated on the basis of their glamour quotient and bank balance. First of all, it is commonly accepted that they may consider being rich at all costs will make them to be celebrities. The most obvious example to prove is that young girls tend to take care of their appearance, have rich boyfriends, prostitute rather than studying or learning at school which may lead to the deterioration of morale. Equally important, there is no doubt that many people do achieve fame without really working. This is supported by the fact that they may have inherited money from parents, married a famous or wealthy person. Finally, it is inevitable that people may use beauty or commit crimes to have a luxurious life. For example, the models or beautiful girls may have sensitive and close relationships with millionaires to have financial support from them. All things considered, it is my strong belief that when their celebrities behave badly because of insufficient education and lack of acknowledgment, this may result in social evils in the society of youngsters. Accordingly, I highly recommend that the governments should enhance people’s awareness in terms of the ways to become rich and famous. If this recommendation is carried out, the comprehensive development our future generations will be ensured
Moving towards the 21st century,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are nowadays expressing a
deeply
growing concern about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
. In fact, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
who hold
firmly
to their belief that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are known
for their glamorous lifestyles
rather
than for the work they
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
do and
they set a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
example for children.
However
, others argue
convincingly
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
whose accomplishments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them excellent role models for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. As far as I
am concerned
, I
wholeheartedly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former argument, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
major points will
be addressed
in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
evidence for other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to support the opposite view, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
who are popular for their incredible acts or outstanding performance. Actually, it is a well-documented fact that actors, musicians and sports stars become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
idols
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they worked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and applied themselves to develop real
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and abilities.
For instance
, the actor and martial artist
Possible spelling mistake found.
Jacke
Chan, who has become world-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
through years of practice and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work.

On the other hand
, there are a number of points for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to defend the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
rated on the basis of their glamour quotient and bank balance.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is
commonly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that they may consider being rich at all costs will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
. The most obvious example to prove is that young girls tend to take care of their appearance, have rich boyfriends, prostitute
rather
than studying or learning at school which may lead to the deterioration of morale.
Equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, there is no doubt that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do achieve fame without
really
working. This
is supported
by the fact that they may have inherited money from parents, married a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
or wealthy person.
Finally
, it is inevitable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
beauty or commit crimes to have a luxurious life.
For example
, the models or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
girls may have sensitive and close relationships with millionaires to have financial support from them.

All things considered, it is my strong belief that when their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
behave
badly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of insufficient education and lack of acknowledgment, this may result in social evils in the society of youngsters.
Accordingly
, I
highly
recommend that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should enhance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
awareness in terms of the ways to become rich and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
. If this recommendation
is carried
out, the comprehensive development our future generations will be
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
ensured
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamamous and weath than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
402 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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