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Nowadays celebrities are mainly famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree and disagree? v.1

Nowadays celebrities are mainly famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. v. 1
Nowadays, some of the most famous people in the world are mainly known for their material possessions and image and they can have a negative influence on young people. While I admit that many famous people are popular only for their riches and looks, I do not agree with the argument that all celebrities are bad role models for the society as some of them they can be extremely inspirational for teenagers because of their hard work and lifestyle. On the one hand, there are many artists who are famous only for being rich and attractive and their behaviour often has an adverse influence on teenagers. They send out the message that in order to be famous, you only have to be rich and beautiful. There are also some who do not mind engaging in acts that are typically considered disgraceful only to grab eyeballs. A typical example of this is Paris Hilton who is famous for being a rich celebrity. She often posts glamorous photos and videos of her wearing designer costumes. She is also often spotted drinking and smoking. This glamorous and lusty lifestyle can often influence teenagers in a negative way. They only see the superficial side of fame and do not understand or appreciate the efforts that go into making one successful. On the other hand, there are some celebrities who can be a positive role model for young adults. For instance, Cristiano Ronaldo is one of the highest-paid football players in the world because of his determination, talent, and hard work. In fact, he is constantly training and working in order to build his stamina and endurance, aiming to give his best on the field. Therefore, he is extremely inspirational for children and young adults as Cristiano shows that it is essential to fight for our dreams by being a hardworking and perseverant person. Thus, some celebrities can be great role models for today’s society as they teach people pertinent lessons. To sum up, young individuals can be negatively influenced by celebrities who only flaunt their riches and lust. However, in my opinion, there are also some celebrities who can teach us valuable life lessons by virtue of their accomplishments in life.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the world are
mainly
known for their material possessions and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
image and
they can have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. While I admit that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
riches
and looks, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the argument that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
role models for the society as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them they can be
extremely
inspirational for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and lifestyle.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
artists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
for being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and attractive and their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
has an adverse influence on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
out the message that in order to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
, you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
. There are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not mind engaging in acts that are
typically
considered disgraceful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
to grab eyeballs. A typical example of this is Paris Hilton
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
for being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
. She
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
posts glamorous photos and videos of her wearing designer costumes. She is
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
spotted drinking and smoking. This glamorous and lusty lifestyle can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
influence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
way. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the superficial side of fame and do not understand or appreciate the efforts that go into making one successful.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
can be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
role model for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults.
For instance
, Cristiano Ronaldo is one of the highest-paid football players in the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of his determination, talent, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work. In fact, he is
constantly
training and working in order to build his stamina and endurance, aiming to give his best on the field.
Therefore
, he is
extremely
inspirational for children and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults as Cristiano
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that it is essential to fight for our dreams by being a hardworking and perseverant person.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can be great role models for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s society as they teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
pertinent lessons.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals can be
negatively
influenced by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
flaunt their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
riches
and lust.
However
, in my opinion, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
can teach us valuable life lessons by virtue of their accomplishments in life.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities are mainly famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
367 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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