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Nowadays celebrities are mainly famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree and disagree? v.3

Nowadays celebrities are mainly famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. v. 3
A practical life skill, which plays an essential role in adulthood, but is not taught in public school, is financial responsibility. On one hand, I am inclined to believe that as a child gains monetary knowledge and understands basic concepts of finance, he will make better decisions in terms of spending habits. On the other hand, hardly is such a subject appropriate for the age of adolescence. To assess the potential advantage of being taught about the value of money, we must bring the skill sets of personal finance into focus. Assuming a child was educated about the valuable money of schooling and how much effort his or her parents had put in to earn that money, he or she would be better and have compassion toward everyone. Not only would that child, therefore, be good at saving up, but he or she could also manage to avoid wasting unnecessary purchases at all costs. In addition, youngsters can develop a good shopping habit and empathize with those who are struggling to cope with their tough life. Another benefit which might be obtained in the long run is an accumulated source of funding that may either be used for investment or donation. Although so far, one can readily draw the conclusion that providing information regarding finances to school children is critical, we must put their puberty stage into perspective before judging whether it is a necessary school subject or not. Being mentally immature and having no exposure to the economic environment in real life, the pupils appear to be not ready for how money flows in society. For instance, since virtually all of the students have never been employed and paid any money apart from the amount that was given by parents, they will find the lesson, , as well as their home assignments, redundant at that moment. On top of that, because the number of hours that the students sit in the classroom is not infinite, other basic subjects such as mathematics, physics or chemistry both serve to lay the foundation for other advanced knowledge that they will face at university, like finances or economics and appeal strongly to children. Taking both sides into consideration, they point me to the conclusion that in principle, showing school children how to manage their money can be useful for everyday life aspects, but in practice, academic institutions had better focus on other elementary subjects.
A practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
, which plays an essential role in adulthood,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
is not taught in public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, is financial responsibility. On one hand, I
am inclined
to believe that as a child gains monetary knowledge and understands basic concepts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
finance
, he will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
better decisions in terms of spending habits. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
The adverb 'hardly' usually goes after the verb 'is'.
hardly is
such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
appropriate for the age of adolescence.

To assess the potential advantage of
being taught
about the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
bring the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
sets of personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
finance
into focus. Assuming a child
was educated
about the valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
of schooling and how much effort
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
parents had put in to earn that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, he or she would be better and have compassion toward everyone. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
would that child,
therefore
, be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at saving up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he or she could
also
manage to avoid wasting unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
at all costs.
In addition
, youngsters can develop a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
shopping habit and empathize with those who are struggling to cope with their tough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Another benefit which might
be obtained
in the long run is an accumulated source of funding that may either be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for investment or donation.

Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far, one can
readily
draw the conclusion that providing information regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
finances
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
children is critical, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
put their puberty stage into perspective
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
judging whether it is a necessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
or not. Being mentally immature and having no exposure to the economic environment in real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, the pupils appear to be not ready for how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
flows in society.
For instance
, since
virtually
Consider using "all the".
all of the
students have never
been employed
and paid any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
apart from the amount that was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by parents, they will find the lesson,
Two consecutive commas
,
as well
as their home assignments, redundant at that moment.
On top of that
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the number of hours that the students sit in the classroom is not infinite,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as mathematics, physics or chemistry both serve to lay the foundation for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
advanced knowledge that they will face at university, like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
finances
or economics and appeal
strongly
to children.

Taking both sides into consideration, they point me to the conclusion that in principle, showing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
children how to manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can be useful for everyday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
aspects,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in practice, academic institutions had better focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
elementary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities are mainly famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
401 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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