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Nowaday a large amount of advertising is aimed at children. Some people think this can have negative effects on children and should be band. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.2

Nowaday a large amount of advertising is aimed at children. Some people think this can have negative effects on children and should be band. v. 2
In last few decades, advertising development had never failed draw public attention and provoke debates. It is true that the most popular in advertisement still threatened directly on children in communities as a primary influence. While, some people believe that these should be banned under supervision of government and have drawback at this trend. I would agree that these are advantage more than compensate any disadvantages. On the one hand, advertising contents are undoubtedly an enormous effect on bad pattern of behaviour of the children. One reason account for this trend, the majority of youngsters access to the social network throughout the internet on their own home easily. Thus, sexual objectification of women in some contents of online-advertising caused for provocative and immodest behaviour and fashion of them. Another reason for that a wide range of contents in advertising announcement are pointed the wrong way. For instance, interactively online of gamer under age restriction lead to a welcome change the way of thinking on children and take the most money at the pocket of children as well. On th other hand, the government should not prevent advertisement because of the profit of economic contribution. In term of economy, there are a wide range of employment figure in which these will be out of work if the government apply restrict policies for the biggest companies in some extents. Nevertheless, instead of imposing tax on advertisement, the local authorities should have investigate companies which have irregular construction of high-rise building or luxury hotel. The fund of taxation should invest on the goal of the universal education and public heath care. In conclusion, while children are a main reason for advertising-online action. I would believe that the government have to a necessary measure to tackle for children which have arisen.
In last few decades, advertising development had never failed draw public attention and provoke debates. It is true that the most popular in advertisement
still
threatened
directly
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in communities as a primary influence. While,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that these should
be banned
under supervision of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and have drawback at this trend. I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that these are advantage more than compensate any disadvantages.

On the one hand, advertising contents are
undoubtedly
an enormous effect on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
pattern of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. One reason account for this trend, the majority of youngsters access to the social network throughout the internet on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
home
easily
.
Thus
, sexual objectification of women in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
contents of online-advertising caused for provocative and immodest
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and fashion of them.

Another reason for that a wide range of contents in advertising announcement
are pointed
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
way.
For instance
,
interactively
online of gamer under age restriction lead to a welcome
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the way of thinking on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and take the most money at the pocket of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as well
.

On
Possible spelling mistake found.
th
other hand, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
advertisement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the profit of economic contribution. In term of economy, there are a wide range of employment figure in which these will be out of work if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
Probably a preposition is missing after 'apply'.
apply restrict
policies for the biggest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extents.
Nevertheless
,
instead
of imposing tax on advertisement, the local authorities should have
Use past participle here: "investigated".
investigate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
which have irregular construction of high-rise building or luxury hotel. The fund of taxation should invest on the goal of the universal education and public heath care.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are a main reason for advertising-online action. I would believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
a necessary measure to tackle for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
which have arisen.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowaday a large amount of advertising is aimed at children. Some people think this can have negative effects on children and should be band. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
297 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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