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Now-a-days many people choose to be self-employed, rather than work for a company. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantage of being self-employed? v.4

Now-a-days many people choose to be self-employed, rather than work for a company. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantage of being self-employed? v. 4
It is a trend that people in today life choose to run their own business instead of being employed by a company or an organisation. In my view, there is a wide range of causes for this phenomenon, and I believe self-employment has some drawbacks. There are several reasons why people tend to become self-employers. Firstly, due to the growth in population, people has little chances to get a good job. This means that if you want to get a well-paid job, you should have a high qualified degree and lots working experience. Secondly, the young with higher education and advanced technology have the desire to earn abundant money as quickly as possible. For example, a business makes numerous profits if their products suit the customer's need. Therefore, starting up is the best choice to become a millionaire after a night. However, being self-employed can bring about various problems. To begin with, to start a company, a big invested capital is required. Certainly, new entrepreneurs cannot have such large amount money, so they must get a loan from the bank. If the company does not succeed in the end, it will go bankrupt as a consequence. Besides, new business needs to find a potential market, which is more difficult than ever before. Thus, they will be at risk because of having no consumption. In conclusion, people have their own reasons to decide to become leaders. Nonetheless, detrimental effects such as financial loss should be taken care of while starting their own venture.
It is a trend that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
life choose to run their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business
instead
of
being employed
by a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
or an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
. In my view, there is a wide range of causes for this phenomenon, and I believe self-employment has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks.

There are several reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to become self-employers.
Firstly
, due to the growth in population,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
chances to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job. This means that if you want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a well-paid job, you should have a high qualified degree and lots working experience.
Secondly
, the young with higher education and advanced technology have the desire to earn abundant money as
quickly
as possible.
For example
, a business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
numerous profits if their products suit the customer's need.
Therefore
, starting up is the best choice to become a millionaire after a night.

However
, being self-employed can bring about various problems. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
invested capital
is required
.
Certainly
, new entrepreneurs cannot have such large amount money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a loan from the bank. If the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
does not succeed in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, it will go bankrupt as a consequence.
Besides
, new business needs to find a potential market, which is more difficult than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Thus
, they will be at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of having no consumption.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
reasons to decide to become leaders. Nonetheless, detrimental effects such as financial loss should
be taken
care of while starting their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
venture.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Now-a-days many people choose to be self-employed, rather than work for a company. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantage of being self-employed? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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