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New technology have changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

New technology have changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
Children's leisure acitvities have been changed by new technology. This is a positive development and its advantages overweigh the disadvantages, because it contributes to kids intelligence and health. New technology is benefitical to the development of the children's brain. Many new softwares are designed for babies, which perform in many different styles, such as games, activities' guidance. Parients would like to download them and show them to their sons or daughters in order to make their next generations more intelligent. For example, Onion Mathematics, an education application in China, shows mathematics in games, and pupils can play, match and rank on it, which boosts students mathematics skills effectively in their free time and more than three millions consumers using it now. In addition, it can facilitate children's health. Some people might argue that video games cause the significant negative effects on new generations' eye sights. However, the new technology are not only including traditional computer games. Many companies develop a series of new devices which motivate people to have more interests in sports. For instance, Nike often designs a lot of different new shoes which looks amazing and very comfortable for people's jogging, and those shoes can link with watches or mobile phones which make pupils who are not interested in sports feeling that sports are not boring and falling in love with running. In conclusion, new technology improves children's activities in their spare time. Its benefits overweigh disadvantages because it is helpful to pupils' intelligences developing and advantageous to kids health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children's
leisure
Possible spelling mistake found.
acitvities
have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development and its advantages
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweigh
the disadvantages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it contributes to
The verb after "to" should be in the base form: "kid".
kids
intelligence and health.

New
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is
Possible spelling mistake found.
benefitical
to the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
brain.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
Possible spelling mistake found.
softwares
are designed
for babies, which perform in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
styles, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, activities' guidance.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Parients
would like to download them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
them to their sons or daughters in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
next
generations more intelligent.
For example
, Onion Mathematics, an education application in China,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
mathematics in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, and pupils can play, match and rank on it, which boosts students mathematics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
effectively
in their free time and more than three millions consumers using it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

In addition
, it can facilitate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might argue that video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
cause the significant
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
generations'
This word is usually spelt together: "eyesights".
eye sights
.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
including traditional computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
develop a series of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
devices which motivate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to have more interests in sports.
For instance
, Nike
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
designs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
shoes which looks amazing and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
comfortable for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's jogging, and those shoes can link with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
or mobile phones which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
pupils who are not interested in sports feeling that sports are not boring and falling in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
with running.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
activities in their spare time. Its benefits
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweigh
disadvantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is helpful to pupils' intelligences developing and advantageous to kids health.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay New technology have changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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