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New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? v.2

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? v. 2
It is true that new technologies have impacted greatly on the way children using their free time. While this has several benefits. I believe that overall the drawbacks are greater. Admittedly, there are several advantages when children spend their spare time on using smartphones or gaining access to the Internet. Firstly, new technologies help schoolchildren entertain after a tiring day at school. They are able to discover many new contents on a network that can make them less stressful and develop their imagination. For example, my niece said she is a big fan of astronomy and the Internet strongly supports her in inquiring about planets. Secondly, children can also improve their skills such as reflexes, eye hand coordination and team working by devoting time to electrical games. In other words, playing games could help them hone their skills. Despite the positive impacts of new technologies. I believe that the drawbacks are far more significant. One reason for this view is that children can run the risk of many health problems. If they spend too much time on sitting in front of the screen, they can lead a more sedentary lifestyle which has many negative consequences such as obesity or eye blurred. Another reason is that spending too much time on using electrical equipments could lead to underperform in academical results. This means that youngsters cannot focus on the tasks due to the lingering images of games and makes them reduce in productivity. In conclusion, I firmly hold the view that new technologies have more disadvantages than advantages in lifestyle of children.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
have impacted
greatly
on the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
using their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. While this has several benefits. I believe that
overall
the drawbacks are greater.

Admittedly
, there are several advantages when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on using smartphones or gaining access to the Internet.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
schoolchildren entertain after a tiring day at school. They are able to discover
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
contents on a network that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them less stressful and develop their imagination.
For example
, my niece said she is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
fan of astronomy and the Internet
strongly
supports her in inquiring about planets.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as reflexes, eye hand coordination and team working by devoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to electrical games.
In other words
, playing games could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them hone their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

Despite the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
. I believe that the drawbacks are far more significant. One reason for this view is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can run the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health problems. If they spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on sitting in front of the screen, they can lead a more sedentary lifestyle which has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences such as obesity or eye blurred. Another reason is that spending too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on using electrical equipments could lead to underperform in academical results. This means that youngsters cannot focus on the tasks due to the lingering images of games and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
in productivity.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
hold the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
have more disadvantages than advantages in lifestyle of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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