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New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. v.1

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. v. 1
These days, the ways that children consume their leisure time are quite different from the past because of the development of modern technologies. Regardless there are some drawbacks, it seems that the positive impacts have a bigger influence. On one hand, there is a vast range of advantages that children could gain when they spend time on using cutting-edge devices. First of all, nowadays their parents might have less time to spend on playing with them, therefore some electrical items such as mobile phones, personal computers and cameras could be a great solution in order to avoid getting bored. Secondly, applying into learning also is a huge benefit that children could obtain through innovative technologies. To be more specific, children who use new technologies in studying seem learning better who are not because they could not only get access to up-to-date information but also use it anywhere and anytime instantly by new equipment. For example, learning a foreign language requires a lot of time and repetition, children could utilize functions of modern computers in both ways: entertainment and studying. children could watch comedy shows while learning grammar and vocabularies from it. On the other hand, it is true that some negative influence could affect children terribly. In some cases, a lot of children are distracted from studying or healthy activities due to immersion in using new technologies. That is to say, teenagers have immature personalities, hence, they could be easily addicted to use state-of-the-art technologies including social media, games so as to entertain themselves. As a result, lack of time spending on outdoor activities is inevitable. Clearly, this detrimental effect related to some horrible impacts such as eye-sight problems, obesity. In conclusion, despite a few drawbacks could be established, the variety of huger benefits is much more significant and people nowadays should let their children approaching modern technologies without hesitation.
These days, the ways that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
consume their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
are quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from the past
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the development of modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
. Regardless there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks, it seems that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts have a bigger influence.

On one hand, there is a vast range of advantages that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could gain when they spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on using cutting-edge devices.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, nowadays their parents might have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend on playing with them,
therefore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
electrical items such as mobile phones, personal computers and cameras could be a great solution in order to avoid getting bored.
Secondly
, applying into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
also
is a huge benefit that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could obtain through innovative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
. To be more specific,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
in studying seem
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
better who are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
access to up-to-date information
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it anywhere and anytime
instantly
by new equipment.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
a foreign language requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and repetition,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could utilize functions of modern computers in both ways: entertainment and studying.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
children
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
comedy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
grammar and vocabularies from it.

On the other hand
, it is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence could affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
terribly
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are distracted
from studying or healthy activities due to immersion in using new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
.
That is
to say,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
have immature personalities,
hence
, they could be
easily
addicted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
state-of-the-art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
including social media, games
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
entertain themselves.
As a result
, lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spending on outdoor activities is inevitable.
Clearly
, this detrimental effect related to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
horrible impacts such as eye-sight problems, obesity.

In conclusion
, despite a few drawbacks could
be established
, the variety of huger benefits is much more significant and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
approaching modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
without hesitation.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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