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New technology has changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

New technology has changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
In today’s world, children are enjoying their leisure in a radically different way, compared to those of any elder generations, thanks to innovative technologies. The society has sparked off a heated controversy over whether it is good or bad. Personally, I believe that this trend exerts a double- edged impact on children, which I will discuss below. To begin with, people supporting technologies mention its ability to make children’s pastime more interesting. Indeed, thanks to their attractive designs and outstanding functions, it is not difficult for technical devices to mesmerize kids, of whom the desire of trying ecstatic things is inherent in their thoughts. Moreover, this amusement is of great use in promoting creativity by its excessive loads of motivation in thinking out of the box, such as formulating innovative strategy to win a game, or developing an application meeting their peers’ interests. In other words, new technologies help children foster their passion for future occupations, like software operating or internet security. On the other hand, there are question marks over technology’s drawbacks. First, parents are worrying about its likelihood to support the sedentary lifestyle, which can lead to a variety of health problems, such as metabolism disorders, cardiovascular diseases or obesity. Furthermore, keeping their eyes at device monitors for a long time makes children suffer from refractive error. Another disadvantage is its ability to cause addiction, squandering children’s time, and making them neglect their main responsibilities. Therefore, the trend towards amusing by technology seems to be the major reason gaining many unprecedented problems in leaps and bounds. To sum up, detrimental as it is, new technology remains acceptable for children’s free time, thanks to its outweighed advantages. It is predicted to be more useful in the future, provided that kids are well - educated and mature enough.
In
today
’s world,
children
are enjoying their leisure in a
radically
different
way, compared to those of any elder generations, thanks to innovative
technologies
. The society has sparked off a heated controversy over whether it is
good
or
bad
.
Personally
, I believe that this trend exerts a double- edged impact on
children
, which I will discuss below.

To
begin
with,
people
supporting
technologies
mention its ability to
make
children’s
pastime more interesting.
Indeed
, thanks to their attractive designs and outstanding functions, it is not difficult for technical devices to mesmerize kids, of whom the desire of trying ecstatic things is inherent in their thoughts.
Moreover
, this amusement is of great
use
in promoting creativity by its excessive loads of motivation in thinking out of the box, such as formulating innovative strategy to win a game, or developing an application meeting their peers’ interests.
In other words
, new
technologies
help
children
foster their passion for future occupations, like software operating or internet security.

On the other hand
, there are question marks over
technology’s
drawbacks.
First
, parents are worrying about its likelihood to support the sedentary lifestyle, which can lead to a variety of health problems, such as metabolism disorders, cardiovascular diseases or obesity.
Furthermore
, keeping their eyes at device monitors for a long time
makes
children
suffer from refractive error. Another disadvantage is its ability to cause addiction, squandering
children’s
time, and making them neglect their main responsibilities.
Therefore
, the trend towards amusing by
technology
seems to be the major reason gaining
many
unprecedented problems in leaps and bounds.

To sum up, detrimental as it is, new
technology
remains acceptable for
children’s
free time, thanks to its outweighed advantages. It
is predicted
to be more useful in the future, provided that kids are well
-
educated and mature
enough
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
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IELTS essay New technology has changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resources: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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