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New technologies provided machines which replaced workers to do certain physical jobs and tasks. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

New technologies provided machines which replaced workers to do certain physical jobs and tasks. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
It is true to say that famous athletes have a great influence on youngsters. Therefore, I absolutely disagree with the notion that sports players' behaviour is not crucial. I believe that sports players should improve their skills as well as moral values. In my opinion, having good behaviour on the field is significantly important because of safe reasons. If sports athletes break the rules on the playground, they will harm their competitors, partners, or even themselves. Injuries, and illness caused by illegal physical confrontation may lead to early retirement of skilled players. For instance, Huynh Duc was a celebrity in the football industry in Vietnam. He had to stop professional career at the age of 30 due to the old injury. That was undoubtedly a big pity for football fans, the club, and the country. In addition, behaving well out the field is so necessary. This is because professional sports players often have numerous fans and followers. This means they have certain influences on public. Moreover, young people usually copy their idols' lifestyle. If these celebrities had bad behaviour such as domestic violence, drug abuse, traffic violation, they would damage their reputation as well as creating negative impact on their fans' value. To conclude, it is very important for professional athletes to be self- discipline in both on and off the field. In other words, they need to be good models for their fans. Furthermore, behaving properly is the best way to protect sports players from injuries. As far as I am concerned, authentic sports athletes would know how to keep a killer impression in fans' heart.
It is true to say that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
have a great influence on youngsters.
Therefore
, I
absolutely
disagree with the notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
players'
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is not crucial. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as well
as moral values.

In my opinion, having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
on the field is
significantly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of safe reasons. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
break the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
on the playground, they will harm their competitors, partners, or even themselves. Injuries, and illness caused by illegal physical confrontation may lead to early retirement of skilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Huynh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Duc
was a celebrity in the football industry in Vietnam. He had to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
professional career at the age of 30 due to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
injury. That was
undoubtedly
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
pity for football fans, the club, and the country.

In addition
, behaving well out the field is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
necessary. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have numerous fans and followers. This means they have certain influences on public.
Moreover
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
usually
copy their idols' lifestyle. If these celebrities had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
such as domestic violence, drug abuse, traffic violation, they would damage their reputation
as well
as creating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on their fans' value.

To conclude
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
to be self- discipline in both on and off the field.
In other words
, they need to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
models for their fans.
Furthermore
, behaving
properly
is the best way to protect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
from injuries. As far as I
am concerned
, authentic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
would know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a killer impression in fans' heart.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay New technologies provided machines which replaced workers to do certain physical jobs and tasks. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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