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n some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details. v.1

n some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details. v. 1
The trend nowadays is towards having a job while studying. This raises the issue of whether adolescents should be allowed to work while they are still students. As far as I am concerned, I do not support teenagers to have a job and the reasons to substantiate my view point are elaborated upon hereunder. First of all, having a job while studying would effect teenagers academic carrier. As a student, an adolescent' s priority should be learning lessons efficiently, and he should study at least three hours a day to be successful. However, if he works in his leisure time, there could not be time to study. A personal experience of my brother is a compelling example of this. He worked in a company while he was a student in high school and his success rate was decreased after he started to work although the company is related to his field. He prepared one more year for the exam to enroll a university. Thus, it is not a good idea to have a job for teenagers because it could affect their success. Another reason why I do not approve teenagers to work part-time is that they would not have sufficient sleep. As students, teenagers need to sleep at least eight hours every single day. However, if they work, their sleeping time would be decrease because they still need to complete their homework, spend time with their family, and attend some of the school activities. Finally, working part-time and making extra money may contribute to their bad habits. Adolescents are not mature enough to spend money wisely. However part-time jobs allow them to spend money whatever they want such as drugs or alcohol. Therefore, if students work, they could have bad habits. Based on above discussion, it appears to me that it is not good idea that adolescents have jobs while they are still students. Having a job would effect their academic success, their sleeping time, and allow them to have bad habits. Compared with their whole lifetime, school life is a short period. Teenagers should value their school life and make full use of the time.
The trend nowadays is towards having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
while studying. This raises the issue of whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
while they are
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. As far as I
am concerned
, I do not support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and the reasons to substantiate my view point
are elaborated
upon hereunder.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
while studying would
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
academic carrier. As a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
, an
Possible spelling mistake found.
adolescent&
#039; s priority should be learning lessons
efficiently
, and he should study at least three hours a day to be successful.
However
, if he works in his leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, there could not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to study. A personal experience of my brother is a compelling example of this. He worked in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
while he was a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
in high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and his success rate
was decreased
after he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
although the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
is related
to his field. He prepared one more year for the exam to enroll a university.
Thus
, it is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it could affect their success.

Another reason why I do not approve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
part-time is that they would not have sufficient sleep. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
need to sleep at least eight hours every single day.
However
, if they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, their sleeping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
would be decrease
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
still
need to complete their homework, spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their family, and attend
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
activities.

Finally
, working part-time and making extra money may contribute to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Adolescents
are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to spend money
wisely
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to spend money whatever they want such as drugs or alcohol.
Therefore
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they could have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits.

Based on above discussion, it appears to me that it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
while they are
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
would
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
their academic success, their sleeping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits. Compared with their whole lifetime,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
life is a short period.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Teenagers
should value their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
full
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay n some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
356 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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