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Music should be taught in school along with other subjects like computer and science Do you agree or disagree with this statement v.2

Music should be taught in school along with other subjects like computer and science v. 2
Nowadays, Children are being taught with more subjects, and it is becoming a burden for them. Some schools are considering including music as of their syllabus, but others believe this would add more distress on students. In my opinion, I strong agree to thought, as some pupils feel very tired of learning existing subjects and by including music can cause lack of interest and unwanted pain for their parents, which will be discussed in the following passage. Some educations institutions have included music to their syllabus with various intents, first to educate and create interest in music; to second it will also be revenue generating option too. For instance, my child’s school introduced music to their curriculum a year ago, where many pupils show lack of interest in engrossing their knowledge. Hence, the current syllabus is creating enormous pressure and by including music will create mental agony among some pupils. In addition, many parents believe that by including music in existing subjects will aid them to easily acquire at young age, but some parents feel it creates a financial expense in buying require musical instruments for their children to practise. For example, my neighbour unable to pay tuition fees for their kids, in such instance including music course will annoy them to a great extent. More over, pupils will not find time to learn the course due to existing subject load. There fore, considering more financial burden for some parents and in sufficient time for some children it is always advisable not to include music subject in schools. To sum up, some pupils are not interested in learning music as part of their curriculum; hence, it is recommended not to include them, which will be welcomed by some financially poor parents.
Nowadays, Children are
being taught
with more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, and it is becoming a burden for them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
schools are considering including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as of their syllabus,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others believe this would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
more distress on students. In my opinion, I strong
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
tired of learning existing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and by including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can cause lack of interest and unwanted pain for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, which will
be discussed
in the following passage.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
educations institutions have included
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
to their syllabus with various intents,
first
to educate and create interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
; to second it will
also
be revenue generating option too.
For instance
, my child’s school introduced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
to their curriculum a year ago, where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
lack of interest in engrossing their knowledge.
Hence
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
syllabus is creating enormous pressure and by including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
will create mental agony among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pupils.

In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
believe that by including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in existing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
will aid them to
easily
acquire at young age,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
feel it creates a financial expense in buying require musical instruments for their children to
Possible spelling mistake. 'practise' is British English.
practise
.
For example
, my
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbour' is British English.
neighbour
unable to pay tuition fees for their kids, in such instance including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
course will annoy them to a great extent. More over,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
will not find time to learn the course due to existing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
load.
This word is normally spelled as one.
There fore
, considering more financial burden for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and in sufficient time for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
children it is always advisable not to include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
in schools.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
are not interested in learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as part of their curriculum;
hence
, it
is recommended
not to include them, which will
be welcomed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
financially
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Music should be taught in school along with other subjects like computer and science v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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