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Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v.3

Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v. 3
It is believed that multicultural environments bring many advantages for many people, since the variety of races, cultures and traditions will make the country become unique and attractive. Although, multicultural societies have some negative issues, but I do believe that the positive sides are greater than the negative ones. On the one hand, countries that have multicultural communities have some similar problems. Firstly, it is common that discrimination would have been the main issue. Some groups of people feel that their races are the most superior one; therefore they would underestimate certain kinds of races. Secondly, there is always a debate about religious activities, as some groups might have extreme faith in their religions and would annoy other believers. One of the classic examples would be  the debate of religion in Israel between the Jewish and the Palestinian, which have caused so many casualties. Despite all the drawbacks, multiculturalisms will bring many advantages for the government and the people, if they are well managed. Multicultural societies make the city become alive and fascinating, as some sides of the city shown Asiatic cultures, while on the other side it shows Western civilisations. This situation makes the city becomes unique and would attract tourists from many parts of the world. As a result, it will boost the tourism industry, create a lot of employments and generate income tax for the governments. There are many multicultural cities that are well known, such as Sydney, Toronto and Singapore and they are considered as advanced cities, due to the proper management of its local government. In conclusion, it is undeniable that multicultural environment has its own advantages and disadvantages. In my point of view, I do believe that multicultural societies have more benefits than its drawbacks if they are managed properly by the government.
It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
environments bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, since the variety of races, cultures and traditions will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the country become unique and attractive. Although,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
societies have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
issues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I do believe that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides are greater than the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
ones.

On the one hand, countries that have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
communities have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
similar problems.
Firstly
, it is common that discrimination would have been the main issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
groups of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel that their races are the most superior one;
therefore
they would underestimate certain kinds of races.
Secondly
, there is always a debate about religious activities, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
groups might have extreme faith in their religions and would annoy other believers. One of the classic examples would be
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
the debate of religion in Israel between the Jewish and the Palestinian, which have caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
casualties.

Despite all the drawbacks,
Possible spelling mistake found.
multiculturalisms
will bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, if they are well managed.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Multicultural
societies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the city become alive and fascinating, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sides of the city shown Asiatic cultures, while on the other side it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
Western
Possible spelling mistake. 'civilisations' is British English.
civilisations
. This situation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the city becomes unique and would attract tourists from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world.
As a result
, it will boost the tourism industry, create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
employments and generate income tax for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
that are well known, such as Sydney, Toronto and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Singapore and
they
are considered
as advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, due to the proper management of its local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

In conclusion
, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
environment has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantages and disadvantages. In my point of view, I do believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
societies have more benefits than its drawbacks if they
are managed
properly
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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