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Multi-cultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v.1

Multi-cultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v. 1
Societies which comprise people from different ethnic groups are often considered as multi-cultural societies and whether these types of societies have more advantages or drawbacks is often debated. I personally believe that multi-cultural societies offer far more benefits than disadvantages to a country. First of all, when people from different ethnic groups live together in a country, their traditions and experiences are shared. People in such a society have better exposure to diverse works, skills and expertise. Thus over the time the population of such a country shows better talents and working skills than people in other countries. For instance, countries like the USA and the UK have multi-cultural societies and such social formation has created better skills, expertise and capabilities among people. Secondly, people who live in a multi-cultural society have a better understanding of different cultures, religions and lifestyles. This exposure makes them more tolerate and they are less likely to get involved in social chaos and fights between tribes. Thus a multi-cultural society in a country teaches people to respect different religions, traditions and beliefs. Finally, it is quite evident that people of different backgrounds and groups have different strengths and weaknesses. When they start living in a society together, they benefit each other and thus the country owns a population of better quality. For instance, when different groups of people start living in a place, they learn good qualities, skills and lifestyle from each other and over the time this combination makes them better suited for any situation. On the contrary, there are some disadvantages of such societies including tribal fights, influences of other culture, lack of individuality and traditional identity. However, in summary, I would like to state that the advantages that multi-cultural societies offer to a country far outweigh the disadvantages it might have.
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Societies
which comprise
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people
from
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different
ethnic
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groups
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
considered as
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multi-cultural
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societies
and whether these types of
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societies
have more advantages or drawbacks is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
debated. I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multi-cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
offer far more benefits than disadvantages to a country.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, when
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people
from
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different
ethnic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
together in a
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country
, their traditions and experiences
are shared
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
in such a
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society
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
exposure to diverse works,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and expertise.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
over the time the population of such a
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country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
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better
talents and working
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skills
than
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people
in
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other
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countries
.
For instance
,
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countries
like the USA and the UK have
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multi-cultural
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societies
and such social formation has created
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better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, expertise and capabilities among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Secondly
,
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people
who
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live
in a
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multi-cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
have a
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better
understanding of
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different
cultures, religions and lifestyles. This exposure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
tolerate and
they are less likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in social chaos and fights between tribes.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multi-cultural
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society
in a
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country
teaches
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people
to respect
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different
religions, traditions and beliefs.

Finally
, it is quite evident that
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people
of
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different
backgrounds and
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groups
have
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different
strengths and weaknesses. When they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
living in a
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society
together, they benefit each
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other
and
thus
the
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country
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owns
a population of
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better
quality.
For instance
, when
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different
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groups
of
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
living in a place, they learn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
qualities,
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skills
and lifestyle from each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and over the time this combination
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
suited for any situation.

On the contrary
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
including tribal fights, influences of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
culture, lack of individuality and traditional identity.
However
, in summary, I would like to state that the advantages that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multi-cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
offer to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
far outweigh the disadvantages it might have.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
57Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Multi-cultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
300 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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