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Although abuses of the system are inevitable, social welfare payments are essential to protect the rights citizens have to a guaranteed minimum income in a democratic society. v.1

Although abuses of the system are inevitable, social welfare payments are essential to protect the rights citizens have to a guaranteed minimum income in a democratic society. v. 1
The system that a country is regulated is an inherent part of it. However, sometimes it can be abused by corrupted people. Nonetheless, it does not mean this system is inefficient. By these systems, the government provides the welfare of the society. Residents in a democratic society all need the protection of their rights. The essence of their rights is the existence the welfare and security service. For example, the government should provide general practitioners who look after all the health issues of a family for each family. And also the government should take the responsibility of the requirements of the old, the invalid and orphan children. It is also the obligation of the government to find jobs for certificated and well educated, but unemployed individuals of the country. At the same time, there should be the proper jobs they want. If it is not possible, a guaranteed minimum income should be defined for them to live comfortably. In my opinion, abuse of the system which underlies the basis of country's policies must be prevented. It is a little difficult to avoid the abuse, but I believe some prevention measures can be taken. By this way, the system would be more reliable. Minimum wage and earning by citizens in a democratic society reduce the discrimination and poverty and stable social condition would prevail. The minimum income also increases the social bonding as many people participate the social cause spontaneously. To sum up, in spite of the fact that abuse of the system is existing, social welfare supplements and security services do their jobs to protect the citizen rights and to create a democratic society.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
that a country
is regulated
is an inherent part of it.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it can
be abused
by corrupted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Nonetheless, it does not mean this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
is inefficient. By these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
systems
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
provides the welfare of the society.

Residents in a democratic society all need the protection of their rights. The essence of their rights is the existence the welfare and security service.
For example
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should provide general practitioners who look
after all
the health issues of a family for each family. And
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take the responsibility of the requirements of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, the invalid and orphan children. It is
also
the obligation of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to find jobs for certificated and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well educated
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
unemployed individuals of the country. At the same time, there should be the proper jobs they want. If it is not possible, a guaranteed minimum income should
be defined
for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
comfortably
.

In my opinion, abuse of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
which underlies the basis of country's policies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
. It is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
difficult to avoid the abuse,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
prevention measures can
be taken
. By this way, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
would be more reliable.

Minimum wage and earning by citizens in a democratic society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the discrimination and poverty and stable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
condition would prevail. The minimum income
also
increases the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
bonding as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
participate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
cause
spontaneously
.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the fact that abuse of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
is existing,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
welfare supplements and security services do their jobs to protect the citizen rights and to create a democratic society.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Although abuses of the system are inevitable, social welfare payments are essential to protect the rights citizens have to a guaranteed minimum income in a democratic society. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
274 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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