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Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v.2

Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v. 2
Thanks to more widely open policies in economy and immigration of many countries, the 21st century has witnessed the surprisingly increasing formation of multicultural societies where a varying number of ethnic people stay together. Although it has both positive and negative effects to a country, it seems to me that we are more likely to obtain more benefits than disadvantages from this kind of society. The more diverse the residents of a country are, the more cultural values they can share to enhance their awareness and knowledge of culture and tradition. People will get more directly engaged in understanding unique customs or rituals, life and work attitudes from their foreign neighbours, colleagues and friends. As a consequence, they enable to adapt the cultural diversity in order to develop their interpersonal skills and live closer to other cultures without having to live in person in another country. Additionally, once people can know more about each other through everyday interactions at work or schools, the severe conflicts or even wars will be remarkably alleviated. It is undeniable that there might have some drawbacks that multicultural communities bring to a country. Racial disparity accelerated, the wealth-poverty gap deteriorated, different culture tensions are specific cases for what are the so-called drawbacks, but the inhabitants can overcome these when the government implement friendly-ethnic peoples’ policies, as well as the dwellers, have positive thoughts and behaviours to live compatibly with others. Stimulating multiculturalism in a society will offer numerous advantages to a country rather than undesirable effects. Therefore, each individual should savour every rewarding moment of living in their multicultural community and proudly spread their unique traditions to international friends so as to increase the diversity.
Thanks to more
widely
open policies in economy and immigration of
many
countries
, the 21st century has witnessed the
surprisingly
increasing formation of multicultural societies where a varying number of ethnic
people
stay together. Although it has both
positive
and
negative
effects to a
country
, it seems to me that we are more likely to obtain more benefits than disadvantages from this kind of society.

The more diverse the residents of a
country
are, the more cultural values they can share to enhance their awareness and knowledge of culture and tradition.
People
will
get
more
directly
engaged in understanding unique customs or rituals, life and work attitudes from their foreign
neighbours
, colleagues and friends. As a consequence, they enable to adapt the cultural diversity in order to develop their interpersonal
skills
and
live
closer to other cultures without having to
live
in person in another country.

Additionally
, once
people
can know more about each other through everyday interactions at work or schools, the severe conflicts or even wars will be
remarkably
alleviated. It is undeniable that there might have
some
drawbacks that multicultural communities bring to a
country
. Racial disparity accelerated, the wealth-poverty gap deteriorated,
different
culture tensions are specific cases for what are the
so
-called drawbacks,
but
the inhabitants can overcome these when the
government
implement friendly-ethnic
peoples’
policies,
as well
as the dwellers, have
positive
thoughts and
behaviours
to
live
compatibly
with others.

Stimulating multiculturalism in a society will offer numerous advantages to a
country
rather
than undesirable effects.
Therefore
, each individual should
savour
every rewarding moment of living in their multicultural community and
proudly
spread their unique traditions to international friends
so as to
increase the diversity.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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