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Few people devote time to hobbies nowadays. Say why you think this is the case and what effect this has on the individual and society in general. v.4

Few people devote time to hobbies nowadays. Say why you think this is the case and what effect this has on the individual and society in general. v. 4
The leisure activities and time spent for this has plummeted in the recent decades. There are several reasons for this; such as addiction to digital gadgets and the desire to acquire materialistic prosperity. It is undeniable that this trend has serious impacts on every single person and the community as a whole. At the outset, there are two main causes for the gradual waning of hobbies these days. Firstly, the revolutionised digital era makes people as couch potatoes in front of laptops, smartphones, the internet and social media. So obviously the citizens become less interested in carrying out an activity apart from these. Secondly, In an aspiration to achieve materialistically prosperous, they extend their working hours thereby cutting down the time spent on hobbies. For example, my uncle who has been a passionate cyclist for years hardly does cycling after being placed in one of the top multinational companies. Incidentally, the above reasons have detrimental effects on the masses. The most significant impact on the individuals is the reduction in the physical activity. This would lead them to an unbalanced lifestyle; thereby making them the victims of diseases like high blood pressure, obesity, high cholesterol and heart attacks. This is because of the deposition of fats in the body which might naturally cause obesity after a period of time. Another connected effect is the loss of productivity in the workplace even after working for hours and hours together since the employees would deprive of ways to channelize their stress. To conclude, the contemporary changes like digital addiction and work stress has lessened the time spent for hobbies. These trends not only cause health hazards like heart attacks and obesity but also reflected as inefficiency in work. Everyone should allocate time for the hobby that interests them. This will help them lead a stress-free and healthy life.
The leisure activities and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent for this has plummeted in the recent decades. There are several reasons for this; such as addiction to digital gadgets and the desire to acquire materialistic prosperity. It is undeniable that this trend has serious impacts on every single person and the community as a whole.

At the outset, there are two main causes for the gradual waning of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
these days.
Firstly
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'revolutionised' is British English.
revolutionised
digital era
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as couch potatoes in front of laptops, smartphones, the internet and social media.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
obviously
the citizens become less interested in carrying out an activity apart from these.
Secondly
, In an aspiration to achieve
materialistically
prosperous, they extend their working hours thereby cutting down the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
.
For example
, my uncle who has been a passionate cyclist for years hardly
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "goes cycling".
does cycling
after
being placed
in one of the top multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.

Incidentally
, the above reasons have detrimental effects on the masses. The most significant impact on the individuals is the reduction in the physical activity. This would lead them to an unbalanced lifestyle; thereby making them the victims of diseases like high blood pressure, obesity, high cholesterol and heart attacks. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the deposition of fats in the body which might
naturally
cause obesity after a period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Another connected effect is the loss of productivity in the workplace even after working for hours and hours together since the employees would deprive of ways to channelize their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.

To conclude
, the contemporary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
like digital addiction and work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
has lessened the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
. These trends not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
cause health hazards like heart attacks and obesity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
reflected as inefficiency in work. Everyone should allocate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
that interests them. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them lead a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-free and healthy life.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Few people devote time to hobbies nowadays. Say why you think this is the case and what effect this has on the individual and society in general. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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