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Multi-cultural societies, which are a mixture of different ethnicity people, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Multi-cultural societies, which are a mixture of different ethnicity people, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v. 1
We are currently living in a modern society when an increasing number of immigrants based on various ethnicities are mixing into. While some argue that these multicultural societies can bring us drawbacks, I believe that this phenomenon has more positive impacts. On the one hand, specific sorts of criminal cases have been on a rise in multicultural countries. It is not surprising that ethnic ghettos may be prevalent in interconnected countries, as poorer-wealthier group gaps based on ethnicities are becoming more deteriorated. More specifically, in New York, where is one of the biggest cultural melting pots, Harlem Street is well-known as the notorious crime rate. Aside from that, racism may occur as a social problem. Some ignorant ethnicity group may have thought that they are superior to others, and thus they can underestimate people from different cultural and religious backgrounds and commit hatred crimes. Despite these drawbacks, ethnic diversity benefits societies, affecting business, personal experiences and tourism. From an economic perspective, firstly, multinational enterprises show more flexible and innovative decision making from combinations of employees hailed from various educational, cultural, and vocational backgrounds. Secondly, individuals in multicultural countries are more likely to embrace diversities and be open-minded through experiences of making friends rooted in another country. Multicultural societies can provide people experiences exposing to exotic cultures without travelling abroad. Finally, multicultural countries can attract tourists with many culturally featured places. For example, Singapore, which Malay, Indian and Chinese ethnics all combined together, shows all cases mentioned above with great economic progress with harmony policies implemented after independence. In conclusion, there are convincing arguments for and against multicultural societies, but I believe that it is more beneficial than harmful to communities.
We are
currently
living in a modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
when an increasing number of immigrants based on various ethnicities are mixing into. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
can bring us drawbacks, I believe that this phenomenon has more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts.

On the one hand, specific sorts of criminal cases have been on a rise in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. It is not surprising that ethnic ghettos may be prevalent in interconnected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, as poorer-wealthier group gaps based on ethnicities are becoming more deteriorated. More
specifically
, in New York, where is one of the biggest cultural melting pots, Harlem Street is well-known as the notorious crime rate. Aside from that, racism may occur as a social problem.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
ignorant ethnicity group may have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that they are superior to others, and
thus
they can underestimate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultural and religious backgrounds and commit hatred crimes.

Despite these drawbacks, ethnic diversity benefits
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
, affecting business, personal experiences and tourism. From an economic perspective,
firstly
, multinational enterprises
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
more flexible and innovative
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
from combinations of employees hailed from various educational, cultural, and vocational backgrounds.
Secondly
, individuals in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are more likely to embrace diversities and be open-minded through experiences of making friends rooted in another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
can provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
experiences
exposing to exotic cultures without travelling abroad.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
can attract tourists with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
culturally
featured places.
For example
, Singapore, which Malay, Indian and Chinese ethnics all
'combined together' is redundant. Use "combined"
combined together
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
all cases mentioned above with great economic progress with harmony policies implemented after independence.

In conclusion
, there are convincing arguments for and against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that it is more beneficial than harmful to communities.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Multi-cultural societies, which are a mixture of different ethnicity people, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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