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Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnicpeoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks of a country. To whatextent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnicpeoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks of a country. To whatextent v. 2
In the modern era of globalization, the presence of multicultural communities is more likely than before. It has been debatable whether this kind of mixture is beneficial to the whole society or it is detrimental. I, personally, believe that the merits of a multicultural community outstrip its demerits. Firstly, the presence of diverse cultural backgrounds will enrich the education system. It is irrefutable that multilingual education is better than a system based on one language. Bilingual students showed to have better communication skills and less liable to have cultural problems when traveling abroad. Besides, this type of education promotes creativity. In a study conducted int the USA, the grades of bilingual students were significantly better others who speak only English. Therefore, a community that contains people from different cultural backgrounds should have a better education system. Secondly, there is a high competition among individuals from different cultures to secure a high-paid job. People will strive to have better job qualifications. Only well-trained persons could find a job in such communities. For example, in Canada, every year, more than 125000 new immigrants compete together to find vocations. Thus, not only does a multicultural society have better education but also has a highly competitive job market. On the other hand, such communities may have minorities problems such as racial discrimination. History is full of examples where the majority dominated minority groups. For example, until the last century, American black people had fewer rights and privileges when compared to white. Therefore, if the authorities cannot protect the minorities’ rights, the society will face many hardships which can negatively affect its development and progress. To conclude, a multicultural community has pros and cons; nevertheless, in my opinion, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
In the modern era of globalization, the presence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
is more likely than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. It has been debatable whether this kind of mixture is beneficial to the whole society or it is detrimental. I,
personally
, believe that the merits of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
outstrip its demerits.

Firstly
, the presence of diverse cultural backgrounds will enrich the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system. It is irrefutable that multilingual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
than a system based on one language. Bilingual students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and less liable to have cultural problems when traveling abroad.
Besides
, this type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
promotes creativity. In a study conducted int the USA, the grades of bilingual students were
significantly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
others who speak
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
English.
Therefore
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
that contains
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultural backgrounds should have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system.

Secondly
, there is a high competition among individuals from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures to secure a high-paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
will strive to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
qualifications.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
well-trained persons could find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
.
For example
, in Canada, every year, more than 125000 new immigrants compete together to find vocations.
Thus
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
society have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
has a
highly
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market.

On the other hand
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
may have minorities problems such as racial discrimination. History is full of examples where the majority dominated minority groups.
For example
, until the last century, American black
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
had fewer rights and privileges when compared to white.
Therefore
, if the authorities cannot protect the minorities’ rights, the society will face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hardships which can
negatively
affect its development and progress.

To conclude
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
has pros and cons;
nevertheless
, in my opinion, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnicpeoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks of a country. To whatextent v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
288 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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