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Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnicpeoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks of a country. To whatextent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnicpeoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks of a country. To whatextent v. 1
Nowadays, due to the development of technology, students in some universities are provided online courses instead of learning at school. This will bring some benefits as well as drawbacks, which will be shed light on in this essay. On the one hand, there are surely some benefits that people may enjoy this trend. Initially, it is the best way for students who live far away from school or those who hardly have a chance to go to school to acquire knowledge. Moreover, learning on media may have a flexible study schedule and reasonable for everyone. Some young people nowadays, work part-time for earning money and study in their school at the same time, so they find it hard to balance their life. Additionally, students may feel more pleasant as the lesson can be attended from the comfort of their home as well as learning via media help create awareness on pupils about self - study because there is no control. However, this penchant may post some challenges. It is overdependence on the Internet quality and electronic devices, so in some rural areas where these devices have not been popular yet, students can hardly access to the lesson. Furthermore, studying online largely diminishes the interaction between teachers and students because it is difficult for school administrators can supervise as well as manage their students. As a result, there are more responsibility and pressure put into school when having limited graduate students each year. In addition, when learning online, students are easily distracted from phones, games, and other entertainments, especially primary students. In conclusion, though offering online courses instead of lessons at school has advantages and also disadvantages, I believe the aforementioned online studying method is revolutionary in contemporary tertiary education systems.
Nowadays, due to the development of technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
universities
are provided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
courses
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. This will bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits
as well
as drawbacks, which will
be shed
light on in this essay.

On the one hand, there are
surely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may enjoy this trend.
Initially
, it is the best way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
far away from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
or those who hardly have a chance to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to acquire knowledge.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
on media may have a flexible study schedule and reasonable for everyone.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays, work part-time for earning money and study in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
at the same time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to balance their life.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may feel more pleasant as the lesson can
be attended
from the comfort of their home
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
via media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
create awareness on pupils about self
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
study
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is no control.

However
, this penchant may post
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
challenges. It is
Possible spelling mistake found.
overdependence
on the Internet quality and electronic devices,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
rural areas where these devices have not been popular
yet
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can hardly access to the lesson.
Furthermore
, studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
largely
diminishes the interaction between teachers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is difficult for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
administrators can supervise
as well
as manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
As a result
, there are more responsibility and pressure put into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
when having limited graduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
each year.
In addition
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
easily
distracted from phones, games, and other entertainments,
especially
primary students.

In conclusion
, though offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
courses
instead
of lessons at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
has advantages and
also
disadvantages, I believe the aforementioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
studying method is revolutionary in contemporary tertiary education systems.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnicpeoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks of a country. To whatextent v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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