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Most societies have homeless people. Some people think that the best way to help them is to give them money. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Most societies have homeless people. Some people think that the best way to help them is to give them money. v. 1
By the advent of urbanization and the Internet, many people these days live in a nuclear family, with either a single parent or parents not married, as well as isolated from neighbours due to over-involvement in mobile phones and the computers. It is often argued whether to find out about one’s family history and keeping records is a positive or negative thing. I believe it’s always better to have a family record and in this essay, I would state my points and the reasons for the same. To begin, many households nowadays have a good organizational structure of their lineage, they often have meetings, prayers, picnics and parties and this would ensure they are always surrounded by someone who loves them, as said blood is always thicker than water. These people from common ancestry, even open schools and businesses, which in the future could provide job opportunities and schooling for economic backward individuals from the family. Furthermore, today, many illnesses have a genetic link, means the disease runs in the family, hence, keeping a family history and family records of morbidities and mortalities could ensure better treatment for some young ones in the family. For example, recently an article in the Times of India showed a 3-year-old boy died of liver cancer, who started with abdominal pain, and eventually died, which was never accepted by the parents until they recognized that their descents had a strong history of liver cancer; this could have been avoided if the guardians knew about the illness in their roots. On the other hand, some people believe that it would affect the privacy of the person to be involved in any family organization and in this busy world, there is no time for anyone to waste. However, it is an excuse for those who don’t want to socialize. To conclude, I believe family history gives people an opportunity to have meetings and it would help to identify the diseases that run in the family.
By the advent of urbanization and the Internet,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, with either a single parent or parents not married,
as well
as isolated from
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
due to over-involvement in mobile phones and the computers. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued whether to find out about one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
and keeping records is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
thing. I believe it’s always better to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
record and in this essay, I would state my points and the reasons for the same.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
households nowadays have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
organizational structure of their lineage, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have meetings, prayers, picnics and parties and this would ensure they are always surrounded by someone who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
them, as said blood is always thicker than water. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from common ancestry, even open schools and businesses, which in the future could provide job opportunities and schooling for economic backward individuals from the family.

Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
illnesses have a genetic link, means the disease runs in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
hence
, keeping a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
records of
Possible spelling mistake found.
morbidities
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
mortalities
could ensure better treatment for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
young ones in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
For example
, recently an article in
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
the Times of India
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a 3-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
boy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
of liver cancer, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
with abdominal pain, and
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
, which was never
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by the parents until they recognized that their descents had a strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of liver cancer; this could have
been avoided
if the guardians knew about the illness in their roots.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that it would affect the privacy of the person to
be involved
in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
organization and in this busy world, there is no time for anyone to waste.
However
, it is an excuse for those who don’t want to socialize.

To conclude
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
an opportunity to have meetings and it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to identify the diseases that run in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Most societies have homeless people. Some people think that the best way to help them is to give them money. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
329 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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