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Most people prefer to eat outside food rather than homemade food now. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

Most people prefer to eat outside food rather than homemade food now. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
Nowadays, most of the people would opt to eat a take-away, or at a restaurant rather cooking food at home. In my opinion, the outside food is a junk with a high number of calories, leading to obesity and diabetes. To begin with, the only benefit of eating an outside food is that it saves our cooking time, which is nearly 3 hours per day in an average Indian family. Owing to the fact most of the families these days require both sexes to work to meet their financial needs, and many live in a nuclear family. Thus, parents are responsible not only to cook, but also to look after the needs of young ones, such as helping them with studies and extra-curricular activities. Therefore, in order to prioritize their work, and to wind-down after a hard day at work, many people prefer to order food from outside. On the contrary, unfortunately, most people these days have grown up on convenience foods. They are unaware that most of the food cooked outside home kitchen consists of high quantity of salts, sugars, and saturated fats. Thus, leading to obesity, heart diseases, and diabetes. Apparently, in a recent survey conducted by WHO, most of the developed nations have the mounting number of obese people including children, and they require regular medical care. Consequently, resulting in an increasing pressure on hospitals and the government financial budget. To conclude, I would like to say that although foods from restaurants and take-aways enables us to divert the cooking time to family time or fun time, the underlining negative impact of take-away and restaurant foods are causing serious adverse impact on our health, even leading to increase in fatality rates.
Nowadays, most of the
people
would opt to eat a take-away, or at a restaurant
rather
cooking
food
at home. In my opinion, the outside
food
is a junk with a high number of calories, leading to obesity and diabetes.

To
begin
with, the
only
benefit of eating an outside
food
is that it saves our cooking
time
, which is
nearly
3 hours per day in an average Indian
family
. Owing to the fact most of the
families
these days require both sexes to work to
meet
their financial needs, and
many
live
in a nuclear
family
.
Thus
, parents are responsible not
only
to cook,
but
also
to look after the needs of young ones, such as helping them with studies and extra-curricular activities.
Therefore
, in order to prioritize their work, and to wind-down after a
hard
day at work,
many
people
prefer to order
food
from outside.

On the contrary
, unfortunately, most
people
these days have grown up on convenience
foods
. They are unaware that most of the
food
cooked outside home kitchen consists of high quantity of salts, sugars, and saturated fats.
Thus
, leading to obesity, heart diseases, and diabetes.
Apparently
, in a recent survey conducted by
WHO
, most of the developed nations have the mounting number of obese
people
including children, and they require regular medical care.
Consequently
, resulting in an increasing pressure on hospitals and the
government
financial budget.

To conclude
, I would like to say that although
foods
from restaurants and
take-aways
enables us to divert the cooking
time
to
family
time
or fun
time
, the underlining
negative
impact of take-away and restaurant
foods
are causing serious adverse impact on our health, even leading to increase in fatality rates.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Most people prefer to eat outside food rather than homemade food now. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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